So #kindnessmatters had a really interesting “Kindness Challenge” this week.  The challenge was to truly forgive someone.

I take these kindness challenges very seriously and do my best to accomplish each one several times each week, but this one has thrown me for kind of a loop.  I have found myself thinking about it over and over again during the day, and I’m left wondering:  What does that mean?

Then, I’m traversing my own emotions wormhole.

In general, I’m very in touch with what I’m feeling.  What is the emotion that is happening in my head?  What is the root cause of it?  How should I deal with it?  As I have discussed in former blogs, these things are not unfamiliar to me.  I am not “reactionary.”  I am quick to think and slow to speak.

Like so many things in my life, I think I have my mother to thank for this.  My grasp on my emotions was certainly not true in my girlie teenage life.  Mom often told me that I was outrageous for the sake of being outrageous.  I was a typically negative teenager.  After every dark comment that I’d make, my mom would perkily (Mom is nothing if not perky) say, “Now say something nice.” She told me  if I wanted my words (primarily profanity) and thoughts to have more impact, I needed to think about when I use them.  She also banned me from speaking (arguing) with certain family members.  All of these things worked to my benefit.  I learned to craft words in my head and think about their repercussions before I said them.  I learned to LISTEN to what other people had to say instead of just waiting to speak.  These are all traits I like about me.

…and somewhere along the way I lost the “ability” to become angry.

I have almost no temper at all.  I did one of those silly Facebook quizzes recently called “What kind of Disaster are You?”  The response was that I was a tornado… that I may appear calm, but I’m a maelstrom inside and can do mass destruction… My thought was, “Um… no….  the calm is for real.”

I think it’s very hard for people to believe that… but between mom’s advice and the thoughts in my own head I have realized that, for me, anger is not a worthwhile emotion.  Anger at another human being doesn’t solve anything.  Anger is reactionary.  Don’t get me wrong.  This does not mean that I go through life like a doormat and a victim.  It means I step back and say “Why did that person …??”  If it is something that I need to address, I do.  If I realize I can’t do anything about it, I have ZERO problem with removing someone from my life if it’s necessary.  That’s not reactionary.  That’s problem solving.  There are a whole lot of people with whom I’m cordial but also who I realize are not healthy to have in my life. I feel no hatred or ill will towards these people… I’m just done with them.

So in order to “forgive” someone… do you have to be “angry” with them?

In order to “forgive” do you have to let them be in your life?

There are a few people in my social circle who I have come to realize have values very different from my own.  I’m not talking about which side of the political aisle… I’m talking about fundamental beliefs.  I know people who openly gay bash in front of me.  People who make overtly racist remarks.  People who cannot listen to the opinions of others without getting personal. I have expressed to them why I don’t think their words are appropriate.  They have continued to defend themselves and continued to personally attack those with beliefs which differed from their own.  I cannot change these people.  I am not friends with them.  I do not socialize with them.  I do not sit around and tolerate their behavior, but I’m not “angry.”  I just don’t wish to have these people in my life.

Am I supposed to “forgive” them?  Am I supposed to keep them in my life?

That’s a TOUGH one!

It goes back to the whole empathy thing…  I understand how they were raised and all of that.  Still, in my mind, they’re just WRONG.  It’s like someone who insists on continuing to call the world flat.  It’s like someone who insists that Noah had dinosaurs on the ark.  I’m not angry with them…  I understand WHY they feel the way that they do… Is that forgiveness?

And, if not for anger, are we supposed to forgive those who have hurt us? Betrayed us?

Also a REALLY tough one.

Does forgiveness mean you put a single action behind you or that you start with a clean slate?  And is it even wise to begin with a clean slate?

I do believe that if someone hurts you, it’s not your fault… it’s theirs.  You can look for the WHY in what they did.  You can forgive them the action, but is it WISE to put it completely in the past and move beyond it?

I don’t know about that.

I really think it depends on the situation.

Moments of weakness… one time indiscretions…  Sure, forgive those… move past them…

But patterns?  If you let someone keep hurting you and keep forgiving their mistakes, don’t you become the fool at some point?

So I’m going to continue to struggle with this challenge this week.  I know that forgiveness is never about the other person… it’s something you do to free yourself from anger.  But if you’re not angry, is there really a need to forgive?  If you forgive, does the individual whom you forgave have to get his position back in your life?