The Internet has reminded me that today would have been Robin Williams’ 64th birthday… and not for the first time since August 12, 2014, I find myself weeping about his death.

Yes, I cry because I felt as though I knew him… Mr. Keating, Peter Pan, Mrs. Doubtfire, genie in a bottle, Sean Maguire, Mork…

But I cry because I STILL know “him” and I see him in people every day… and I see his family in other families, and it’s just so fucking sad I can’t stand it!   I don’t believe in profanity.  I think you choose the right word for the right situation, but Robin Williams’ death and the death of so many others who are killed by mental illness and depression are so fucking sad for everyone involved there is no better word.

At risk of being Alex Jonesesque by sending you back to my former blog, I posted about how we needed to eradicate the world of the phrase “committed suicide.”  Committed has negative connotations and anything ending in “cide” indicates intentional death.  Robin Williams died because he ran out of choices.  He did not make a “permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  His problem was lifelong and he had been in treatment for it forever.  It was chronic and it was terminal.  That poor man was in so much pain for so long.  He had to suffer through day after day after day of the torture of looking normal while he was in constant mental pain.  It’s so fucking sad.

And his family…  My heart BREAKS for his wife, his ex wife, his kids, everyone who loved him.  Do you know how badly they wanted to help?  Do you know how it must have ripped them apart to have those glimmers of hope… to see him getting a little bit better?  I’m sure he had those days where he thought everything would be fine this time, and I’m sure his family wanted to ride that wave with him…   All they wanted was for him to get better because they loved him so much and hurt with him every time he was in pain.

And the GUILT when it was all over… that moment of relief his family felt that THEY didn’t have to suffer through his pain anymore either.  How do you live with that guilt?  You want that person back more than ANYTHING in the world.  You want them to be beside you… because maybe THIS time the pain really would stop.  Maybe just the ATTEMPT of ending their life would be enough, and THIS time they could be okay…  But inside, that NAGGING, ENDLESS guilt of how glad you are not to have to watch your loved one endure such relentless mental anguish.  Is it because you’re glad their pain is over, or is because you’re glad you don’t have to witness it anymore?  And how do you deal with the guilt if the latter is more true than the former?

It’s just so fucking sad!

Clearly, this is not just about Robin Williams.

Clearly this is for anyone who struggles with mental illness, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and the insidious, ugly grip they have over people who don’t deserve to struggle…  it’s also for the friends and family members who struggle along beside them in their pain.

I see Shirley MacLaine in the most gut-wrenching movie scene ever from Terms of Endearment screaming that the time had passed to give her daughter the shot

and my heart BREAKS… because there IS no relief from the pain of depression for so many.  Sure, medication works for some… but not all.  For others it leaves them feeling so numb and zombie like it’s this half life that doesn’t really exist at all.

I’m not sure that mental illness/depression is something that can be cured or managed.  I do hope it’s something about which people can learn to show more compassion.  People will show compassion to an obese smoker dying of heart disease and cancer which they knowingly brought upon themselves; yet they will tell someone who is suffering from depression that they need to “get over it.”  or get angry when then can’t explain why they hurt.  Yes, they CAN see all the good in their lives… they just can’t appreciate it, and it’s just so fucking sad!

I am LUCKY.  I do not suffer from depression… and that’s ALL it is… dumb luck!   I also don’t have AIDS or cancer or ALS or a myriad of other things that wouldn’t be my fault. But I know people who do and I ache for them.  I can’t help.  I can’t make it any better…I can just… 

The brain is an organ.  It is a very complicated organ… and sometimes, in some people, it just won’t work right… No matter how hard they fight or what they do they can’t feel better.  They can’t tell you what’s wrong…  and they can’t just fix it.

I miss Robin Williams.  But I hope he’s at peace.

And I really, really hope his family is, too.