A few weeks ago I was in the backseat of the car with my mom.  Richard and my dad were in the front, and as he was navigating along the Stevenson Expressway in Chicago, sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, after standing out in the hot sun all day on Navy Pier, I just looked at Richard and thought, “I love you,” so I said it.  He said it back.  And my mom seemed taken aback by that moment.  Thing is, I say those words probably ten times a day?  Maybe more?  Sometimes it’s even a little more syrupy than that… “Honey loves Bear.”  (gag, right?), but if I think it… I say it… because I don’t think it ever hurts anyone to know it.

Last weekend Richard and I were at a friend’s house… and as we reached across to hold hands, she said, “You guys really love each other.”

Then, last night, after I posted that I was excited that Richard had the day off and chose to use part of it to make us halibut and beet and goat cheese salad for dinner (yum), another long time friend responded that with as good as our marriage is, I should really teach marriage workshops or something.

My thought was “Um… no…  because EVERY marriage is different… just like every person is different, and you have to decide on your own rules for happiness and perfection in marriage.”  Also, I’ve only been at it for eight years, so my feelings about this whole thing could change.

My marriage recipe is not secret, and I’m happy to share it with you.

Any great recipe (according to my husband.  I don’t cook) is only as good as its ingredients.  So my big disclaimer is that my husband is AWESOME and amazing! He loves to hunt and fish and shoot… and he drives a big truck, and wants to mow his own lawn, and grill up a steak, and he’s handy and good at fixing stuff…  and he’s SMART and loves chemistry and math and history and READS everything he can get his hands on… and he is STRONG like an ox… can haul, tote, and carry all day long…  and he loves great food and great wine and great beer… going to restaurants and dropping $200 on dinner for the two of us in the middle of  a week barely makes him bat an eye.  He likes going to Broadway musicals, and new places, and looking at interesting shops in Fredericksburg or Old Town Spring. He likes spending time with my friends and family. He’s got gay friends and straight friends and liberal friends and conservative friends.  He doesn’t gamble or get drunk or have any horrible vices…  SO…  when you start with him???  Um… yeah, marriage is pretty darn easy.

But… if I were to say what WE do for each other… some of the main things are as follows:

We do NOT agree to disagree, but we listen and try to understand

There are A LOT of heated debates in the Scholtz house.  Three to four a week is not an exaggeration.  It usually takes us about 2 1/2 hours to watch a one hour TV show because there is constant pausing for debating.  Are we trying to convince the other person?  Well, of COURSE we are… and sometimes the same debate goes on for MONTHS at a time.  Sometimes there’s resolution (He now knows it’s perfectly reasonable for gay couples to adopt, and I now know that the right to bear arms is a fundamental right that shouldn’t be reconsidered).  And sometimes there isn’t  (I still think we need some form of universal health care and he still thinks that it’s okay for businesses to deny services for whatever reason they see fit), but that is not to say that we agree to disagree.  We do however LISTEN and respect what the other person is saying… even when we think the other person is wrong.

We do not buy each other gifts to celebrate anything except one another’s birthday

I mean… unless we just want to… Random gifts are fine, but gifts to celebrate occasions … no way. So this means no Christmas, no Valentine’s Day, no anniversary, no Arbor Day, no Halloween…  So often there is pressure to get gifts…and it’s some weird hidden competition… Make sure you get the BEST gift… and it can add to disappointment if someone doesn’t meet your expectation. All of those days should be about celebrating the occasion, anyway… not about giving stuff.  So, when it’s our birthday, we celebrate the PERSON…  so that’s when it’s appropriate to give gifts.  And I just tell Richard what I want.  There’s no test with that…  He’s not very good at picking up on hints.  (Scratch that.  He’s TERRIBLE.  He has never gotten a hint in his life)… so why put the pressure on him?  If I know what I want, I ask him to get it for me.  End of.

Our finances are separate and I make sure all of our mutual bills are paid

Twice a month I transfer money from Richard’s account to mine to pay our rent, electricity, etc, so even though he makes significantly more than I do, we split our expenses down the middle.  He pays for most of our entertainment… but even that we take turns.  We do not question or judge one another about how we choose to use our money.  If I choose to spend $1000 on magic beans and shiny things, there would never be a fight over it because it’s MY money.  The same is true for him.  That’s his money to do with as he wishes.

No expectations

Richard USUALLY does the grocery shopping, makes dinner, does the dishes…  If he doesn’t do one of those things, know what happens?  I still eat.  I know where the store is.   And while I’m there, I ask him what HE wants for dinner so that I can get him something, too.  If he leaves the dishes in the sink instead of washing them.  I do them.  I USUALLY do the laundry, put the dishes away, general house pick up… Know what happens if I don’t?  Richard does his own clothes…. leaves mine on the bed for me.  If either one of us gets in a cleaning/ organizing mode and the other is sitting on the couch watching HOURS of television without lifting a hand, the one who decided to clean doesn’t get mad.

Appreciate EVERYTHING

On the nights that he DOES make dinner, I thank him… and I MEAN it.  EVERY TIME.  When he mows the lawn, when he buys me diet soda…  EVERYTHING.  I appreciate him SO MUCH.  And he’s the same for me… if I bring the trash can in, if I give the dog a bath, clean the fish tank.  Just appreciate all of the things you do for one another.

Go Ahead and Get Mad About the Little Stuff… and Fight it out Right at that Moment

Did he leave the toilet seat up AGAIN!   Wake his butt up…  make him get out of bed… and put it down… while he gets mad back at you for being so ridiculous about the toilet seat.  Did I leave a Diet Coke can in the sink when the recycle bin is in the cabinet right underneath?  Bring the can over to me.  Put it in my lap and yell at me for leaving garbage in the sink…  What you DON’T do is let those things fester and irritate and lead to bigger problems later.  Fighting is not something that needs to be avoided.

Maintain Your own Identity and Do Not Walk On Eggshells

We married each other for a reason.  Richard is a little socially awkward and stubborn.  I am opinionated and a little wild.  We knew we’d butt heads..  Who cares.  That’s fine.  If he’s mad , I don’t have to be careful because I might make him more mad.  If I’m being unreasonable, he doesn’t have to just accept it.  Be you…  And that goes for maintaining the things you like to do.  He should go hunt and fish without me.  I don’t want to go.  It doesn’t sound like any fun at all.  I also don’t want to go to the grocery store.  He doesn’t want to go hang out with me and my best guy friend.  Richard and I can do things without each other..  Once, I sent him out of town because I needed some time without him.  I told him.  He took the dog and went on his way.

Express Affection

In addition to saying we love each other about once an hour, we hold hands, we kiss, we hug, we cuddle.  We never leave a doubt that we love each other.

No Tests or Games or Hints

We are straight forward.  We do not ask a question knowing that there is an answer that we want…. and if we don’t get it the other person has somehow failed.  We say what we mean and mean what we say.  It makes life so much easier.

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So that’s it.  That’s what works for us.  It may not work for everyone else…  but it sure makes us happy!