One of my very best friends in the entire world died on December 7, 2016.

Six weeks later, I went camping.

I should have seen Shawn on this camping trip.  That’s Shawn in the picture above… the one on the right… the one on the left is NOT him, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

That’s Shawn camping on the right… maybe in 2013?  I’m not sure… they blur together.  You see, this year was the 23rd of the trips.  Shawn has missed two.  The first one he missed because of business and other things.  This one he missed because he died.  He won’t be at another.  Ever.  And I can’t quite get used to it.

But WE all were… the rest of us Camping Cuhrazees… including Shawn’s wife, who told us that Shawn’s brother Mark would likely be making an appearance, too.

I was thrilled!   I couldn’t remember for sure the last time I saw Mark.  I know I met him when he was about ten years old… a silly, sweet, quiet kid playing video games.  I remember him on those early camping trips… He was just 12 years old, hanging out with all of us in our early 20s.  We were raucous and silly… and oh, how he looked up to his big brother.

I remember him at his mother’s funeral, when he was still in high school… and how fast he had to grow up.  He was a baseball player, and I remember the sight of all of those boys who came on the school bus: all those high school boys with their solemn eyes, wearing their Sunday best… and Mark… standing there…  wet eyed but strong.

I saw him in the years after that, too…  the same way you see the family members of friends.  You run into them at the occasional party, the important events… but I probably hadn’t seen him in nearly ten years.  Now, he’s a husband… a father… in his thirties.

And when he stepped out of that truck…

My heart clenched.

I couldn’t catch my breath.

I felt like I saw a ghost.

That’s Mark on the left, yesterday, standing in the exact same place his brother stood just last year.  Looking so much like him I couldn’t even think.  The voice was wrong… the smile wasn’t the same…  but so many similarities…

And then I walked up to him..  His arms went around me…  and there it was…

Shawn…

I lost it… I tried to hold it together the best I could… but with my face against his chest…  and turning my head to the side to see just the top of his bicep.  Oh my God…  he felt just like Shawn… just like him…  He held on the same way Shawn did… a little bit longer than I was really comfortable being hugged… a little tighter than most people hug me…just like Shawn.

I don’t think I said a word when I walked away from him.

Mark stayed for the afternoon, and I was glad.  He’s much more reserved than Shawn… a quiet observer, not at all the center of attention.  But I couldn’t look too long.  It was like staring at the sun.  I’d feel myself watching the gestures and seeing Shawn, and I’d cry again.  But I was so glad he was there.

When it was time for him to go, he hugged me again.  Into the chest that was Shawn’s chest I let the tears fall, and I said “I miss your brother.”

He hugged me a little tighter and then pulled back.  He said “Yeah, there are moments.”  Then he stopped and shook his head and said, “Shawn had the words.  I don’t have words.”

I smiled at that… because he’s not Shawn.  He is Mark, and I really, really want to get to know Mark better.  Mark will be coming back next year, he said.  He’ll be bringing his wife, and I can’t wait to know him as an adult.

But this time… on this camping trip…

As soon as I could,  I walked away from him and collapsed into sobs.  Those arms… that chest… those hugs… Those were Shawn’s.  That was being close to Shawn.

I’m sorry if Mark felt awkward this time.  Many of my friends had trouble looking at him… even though we’ve known him for a quarter of a century. Yesterday, it was just so much Shawn

I loved that Mark was there… but it is a wide open wound…  and all of us likely felt it because we were there in SHAWN’S place… the place we had been so many times with him before.

Then, this morning, as we were all packing up to leave, my friend, Heather, was talking to me about Mark… and how hard yesterday was.

She said, “You know what I think it was…  I think it was like we had a chance to say goodbye to Shawn.”

I think she’s right… but…

I don’t know that I’m quite ready for goodbye… and I really want to get to know MARK for who he is…

but I won’t be sorry if those hugs ALWAYS feel like the hugs did yesterday.