Earlier this week I went to a workshop from which I am just now recovering… beginning to be able to come back out of my shell.

I was part of it about 15 years ago, too.  It is a process for developing a trusting, learning team where all the kids of your class and you work together by creating this cohesive and safe bond.  The first few days of school you do not jump in to content.  You do nothing except get to know one another and learn to trust each other.  You play games and sit in circles and talk.  In concept, it’s excellent… and exactly what I hope happens in my class every year.

For me, in practice, it’s torture.

As a teacher, I hear the mantra over and over that students only learn from people who they know care about them.   Yet, through my entire educational career as a student I made it a practice to be as close to invisible as possible.   I didn’t like school, but I learned PLENTY from a variety of teachers.   The ones who made me most uncomfortable were the ones who tried to delve beyond the teacher/student shield and become something else.  When I could see them TRYING to do it, it made it even worse.

Ice breaking games, singing songs, making up dances, throwing a ball around with people I didn’t know made me cringe  in horror.  It doesn’t make me feel bonded with them.  It makes me want to get away from them and back to my corner as soon as possible. I put the smile on and play along…  because standing out as someone who won’t play brings even more attention.  I am as gregarious as I can possibly be when I’m forced to be in those situations…  Yet, I literally slept my way through the day yesterday, and I now realize I was recovering from having to sit in a sharing circle and talk about things that were important to me.   I squirmed uncomfortably as I watched people whom I have never met cry about things I know nothing about… and it’s none of my BUSINESS to know anything about.  I’m never going to talk to them again, after all.

Why do I say all of this?

Because I think, as teachers, we need to remember students like me in class, too.  I’ll get to know you… slowly… on my own time.  If you force me to play along with your silly games, I’ll resent it… and I’ll resent you..  You will destroy that relationship you’re trying to create.  I’ll find reasons to dislike you AND the people in my class because you made me so uncomfortable.  You’re not trying to make me feel safe.  I want to sit and observe and decide that I AM safe instead of this manufactured “team” you’re creating.

And I want to say to myself and to kids like me that this is not a flaw.  Just because the loud team players call it a flaw doesn’t make it so.  This is not something I should “work on” to fix in my character.  If I WANTED to be part of those groups, then, yes, I should do something about it, but I don’t.

Leaders who say things like “people have to work together in the real world” don’t really know this.  There are PLENTY of jobs where you can be a solitary worker most of the time.   There are all different personalities…  and, as a teacher, I think it is my responsibility to take those into account.

I know I’m going to have to spend big parts of the next week playing games on teams and smiling and laughing and pretending like I’m glad to be part of it… because that’s the job I chose… but I’m glad it’s manufactured and that I only have to do it a few times a year.

My REAL job???  Well, in that job I get to slowly know and trust my coworkers… and work with those with whom I feel comfortable.

In my classroom, I get to know my students for who they are… and I get to learn which students would rather I not truly get close to them at all.

Don’t misunderstand–I am not of the “I am teacher; you are student” mentality.  I absolutely LOVE my kids.  I love my job.  But I read the classroom dynamic, and I am not going to force the students who are like me to be people that they are not.

Sometimes I make my students work in groups where they may not be super comfortable… because sometimes it happens in life…  but I try to be VERY cognizant and sensitive about how those groups are formed.

I also try to give them PLENTY of time to work on their own if they like, too. P.I.G activities are my “go to” a lot of the time (P.I.G stands for partner, individual, group).  I let the kids work in the way that is best for them.  If I see an individual working alone, but looking around for a group to join, I facilitate that.   Still, I always have several in the class who let me know they’re glad that I won’t force them to interact if today is not that day.

And I try to let them know it’s okay if they don’t want to join in and sing songs and perform.  That doesn’t make them bad… or wrong… or less than the rest of the group. I try to help them understand that some people may get the misconception that they are aloof or unfriendly and that can be hard, too–but it’s okay to be who they are.  It doesn’t make them socially awkward; it makes them socially selective.

So, if you walk into my classroom one day and see 25 kids engaging in lively debate and banter while five others sit silently writing with their earbuds in, please don’t see this as a lack of caring in my teaching—more importantly, please don’t see this as a flaw in my kids.