As a woman, there are things you’re just supposed to do.  It’s girl code.  Someone tells you that someone tried to rape them, you don’t ask them questions like “Well, what did you do?  How were you in that situation to begin with?”  You nod.  You support them.  You cry with them. You help.

For too long there was far too much shame associated with women coming forward.  It was always turned on them, “What did YOU do that caused him to…?”  Women were afraid to come forward because of the interrogations that they would face even though they were victims.

We don’t ask people who are victims of robbery why they don’t have alarm systems on their houses.  We don’t ask people who are rear ended in a car accident why they didn’t get out the way.  We don’t suggest that someone who was mugged should have fought back… but when women are assaulted by someone they know, we ask the women to tell us how it happened.  That’s wrong…

Now… here’s the big old BUT that will make many women turn on me…  Even though this shouldn’t really be about politics, many Democrats will turn on me, too… (Although, to the people who disagree with me simply because they’re Democrats, I will ask you how you felt about Bill Clinton after Juanita Broaddrick came forward…)

BUT…  Okay, so #metoo.  I was sexually assaulted as a pre-teen.  At the time it was very confusing.  He was a boy whom I liked, had a crush on actually.  He was someone with whom I had flirted.  Then, one day, he attacked me.  I was scared and crying.  I was confused while it was happening, and I was confused after it was over.  I remember trying to get away.

I don’t think I told anyone at the time.  I think he told me not to tell anyone.  I’m not sure.  I can’t remember.  I remember that it happened.  I remember that it was violent and humiliating.  I remember thinking it was partly my fault…But I can’t tell you what year it happened.  I can’t give you many details other than remembering where I was.  I can give you his name, but I’m not going to…

So for the past week I’ve been wondering about Christine Blasey Ford.

I’m not doubting that what she said is the truth.  I’m doubting why she came forward and whether she should have or not.  I’m wondering if she’s now wishing she hadn’t.

I understand that this may have been a moment in her life that has affected her forever… the way that my assault has me.  What I don’t understand was what her reasoning was in coming forward.

Why did she write a letter to a political figure if her motivation wasn’t political?

I try to think of what I would do.  If my attacker was all of the sudden in the forefront of national news, would I come forward?  What would my purpose be?  Would I be doing it because I truly thought I was doing a service to the country?

Ford has nothing to gain here and everything to lose, so it would seem.  It would seem the allegations have to be true…

Still… why?   Does she truly believe that his high school actions show that he can’t be an impartial judge.  Does she believe this is likely a pattern that he has engaged in during his entire life despite all of the women who have come forward to the contrary?

If for the first time in 30 years I saw my attacker’s face plastered across the television screen winning a huge honor, a presidential appointment, I’d be shocked… because to me the 15-year-old boy who hurt me is not worthy of an honor.  I would not, however, come forward… because who he was as a 15-year-old boy is not necessarily who he is as a 48-year-old man.

He shouldn’t have done what he did back then… but I didn’t say a word then…  I didn’t even ever let him know after that day that I thought it was wrong.  Did she?  I saw him again after that, and still I said nothing.  Did she?  Can I come forward 30 years later with an army of #metoo people who have decided on his guilt before he ever has a chance to respond?  Should she?

So I end up feeling very conflicted about all this mess.  Should she have come forward?  Does it matter?  Is this the shot across the bough we need?  The final nail in the coffin?  Is it just part of the current political climate?  Should I be supporting her because we are both assault victims?

Are you feeling conflicted?  Me, too…