I’ve seen this “Tips to Look After Your Husband” many times.  There have been many incarnations of this same thing, causing many modern day women to laugh and say, “Thank goodness times have changed.”  Once upon a time, however, this was a reality.  Heck, I remember even in the 70s when my mom, who had often been at work herself, would redo her hair and makeup before my dad came home and make a point of greeting him at the door.

I’ve taught my students about Greek gods before, reminding them time and time again, that this was non-fiction.  The Greeks explained natural phenomenons by telling stories of fighting gods and wars.  When I teach American literature, we discuss Native American legends and how they believe the earth was built on a turtle’s back.  We discuss the universe and how at one point the earth was believed to be the center.
My students will say, “That’s so silly!!!  Why would they believe things like that?”  I respond “That’s all they knew.  We can’t judge people of the past with the knowledge we have today.  They had different information and different circumstances than we do.”

It wasn’t until people started to question these things being wrong that they began to change.

Yet. we do that all the time, don’t we?   We just assume everyone thinks like us, has the same background as us, has the same logic as us, the same reasoning as us…

A colleague at work the other day mentioned a teacher friend of hers who received a parent complaint when she was explaining why slavery existed.  The teacher was explaining the economics and motivation for slavery.  The parent became very upset and said that many students were upset because the teacher was justifying slavery.  Of course, NOW in America we would not attempt to justify slavery.  In our current climate the idea of purchasing and owning human beings is ludicrous, and we are rightfully horrified that it ever happened.  In the 1600s and 1700s, though?  It was common for the time. If you were a wealthy person with land in the South, you had slaves.

It wasn’t until people started to question these things being wrong that they began to change.

And because of this, I have sympathy not only for Dr. Ford but also for Judge Kavanaugh.

I’m of the same generation as Ford and Kavanaugh.  Although they grew up with a few more silver spoons in their mouths than I did in mine, I am at least familiar with the life of upper middle class boys and girls in the 1980s.

Let me start with Dr. Ford.  I have mentioned several times that I was sexually assaulted.  Even as I type this now, I do it with my stomach contorting with shame, and I’m not sure if I’m allowed to call it that.  There was a group of boys at the lake by my house who did it repeatedly…  because I repeatedly put myself in the situation where they could.  There was a boy who held me down in the living room of my own house.  There was a boy in the upstairs bedroom of a friend’s house.  All of these things happened between my 8th grade year and my sophomore year.  I told no one.  Today, I can only name one of them. I couldn’t give you a date.  For some I can’t even give the year. One of these happened after I had been drinking.  I have no idea whose house it was.   Even today I still have trouble coming to terms with the fact that it wasn’t my fault. When I said, “no” and fought him off, it was not my fault that he didn’t stop.  But I let him start…. and I didn’t do anything after.

This is not about her coming forward now.  This is not about the political part.  I just know that in class over the last several days, students keep asking me, “Why didn’t she say anything, then?”  And I am surprised to find myself holding back tears as I tell them.  I don’t share my story with them, and I wonder why not.  It wasn’t my fault, but I still don’t feel like I should say it.  So, I tell them, “It happened LONG before #metoo and throngs of women stepping forward.  As women, we were taught to protect ourselves from boys… because boys would be boys…  When we neglected to protect ourselves, there was a lot of shame with it.  Things like ‘date rape’ weren’t mentioned.  Rape was a stranger on the street, not someone you knew.  Being assaulted by a boy was embarrassing.  It would be very hard to say anything.”

It wasn’t until people started questioning these things being wrong that they began to change.

But, Judge Kavanaugh, I understand, too… because boys will be boys…  that’s what I was told growing up.  I’m sure he was, too.  I continued to be in situations where I had to interact with one of my attackers for years after.  He was older than I was, but I would see him in my neighborhood and other places.  He never acted like some criminal.  He never acted like it happened at all– because to him, it was no big deal.  You see, girls knew when guys got drunk they acted stupid.  Girls expected guys to grope and touch in unwanted ways.  Guys were told this was expected of them.  Adults simply shook their heads and rolled their eyes when they heard of the “antics” of groups of boys.  Boys  learned their rules of decorum from Porky’s movies and Animal House.  They never realized they were doing anything wrong.  So when Kavanaugh and his drunk friends started messing around with a few drunk girls, they never thought anything of it.  No boys in the 70s and 80s did.

So, to me, that explains a lot of what’s happening now.  Dr. Ford has been haunted for years and Judge Kavanaugh never felt he did a single thing wrong.

I believe both of them.

I believe we’re judging both of them by today’s standards for something that happened 30 years ago.

I think it’s good we’re questioning that these things are wrong.  Maybe now they’ll have a chance to change.