This is pretty much all pilfered, bastardized, and plagiarized from many other sources because many other sources have good ideas…  but my rule #1 is THE MOST important one on this list.

Most people who know me would agree I’m generally happy.  It’s for real.  It’s not an act.  It’s not something I do for public viewing.  It’s me.  I am generally content and positive.  I am not Vulcan… I have my moments of reaction and emotion… but I am generally positive.

The happy part is somewhat newer… I would say “happy” didn’t start until around 37… and it’s truly solidified over the past 5 years.

Now… I’ll give you my recipe.  It’s a mixture of The Bible and paradoxical commandments (The “do it anyway” thing that the Internet wants you to think was Mother Theresa, but that isn’t quite right) and the Dalai lama’s rules for living a happy life and the seven cardinal rules for life. 

All of these and so many more help to make my rules… My students call these things “Scholtzisms.”  I shall share them with you.

1.  You can not use anyone else’s rules as your own rules for a happy life.  Everyone is different.  You decide what it is that YOU need to be happy in life.  But no matter WHAT you decide, your happiness can depend on YOU and on YOU only.  You cannot involve other people in your happy life.  Your happiness can ONLY depend on you.

2.  Treat others as you want to be treated.  BUT you can’t do this AND expect them to treat you the same way in return.  You do it because it’s the right thing to do and it makes YOU happy.  Do not build up in your mind an expectation of how someone else should react when you do something for them.  This only ends in disappointment.  You do things for someone else because you should NOT because they will do things for you.  Do not keep score! Be happy with yourself for doing what you should.

3.  Expect people to talk behind your back, and don’t care what they say. You talk behind people’s backs.  You KNOW you do.  It’s venting.  It’s whatever… but you KNOW you do it.  Know that people do it about you, too.  It’s not personal.  It’s not about you.  If it’s something they want you to know they’re saying, they’ll tell you… otherwise, who cares?  It does not matter what other people think or say about you if you know that you are living a good life.  People will NEVER stop talking about you.  Don’t worry about what they say.  If you’re happy with who you are and you know you’re doing the best you can, move on.  The people who are talking about you are STILL your friends.  You’re still friends with the people you’re talking about, too.

4.  The things that other people do are never about you.  Do not get worked up when your friend goes MIA for awhile.  The cryptic post you see on Facebook isn’t about you either.  They don’t keep canceling because of something that happened a month ago.  People have their own stuff going on.  Don’t take everything so personally.  If it truly matters, it will get discussed later.  If it doesn’t matter, stop obsessing.  Do the right things.  Live your life in the right way and lighten up.

5. Be kind. Putting your friends down or embarrassing them on purpose to make others laugh is not kind.  Don’t do it.  If your friend isn’t in on the joke, then you’re not being a friend at all.  You’re being a bitch.

6.  Don’t go looking for boogers. Most silver linings have clouds.  If you look hard enough, you’ll find the bad stuff to every situation.  Just don’t.

7.  Don’t try to change your friends.  You have friends who have quirks.   You have pointed out their quirks.  They annoy you because they’re not just like you.  If you have mentioned it, and they haven’t changed, stop trying to change them.  Either go with it, or remove them from your life.  They are not going to change because you want them to.  Accept their idiosyncrasies or don’t.

8.  Don’t compare and compete.  Stop looking at your friends’ cars, purses, shoes, toenails, hair, creativity…life… with envy.  You can look with appreciation.  You can think that your friend has the prettiest teeth you’ve ever seen, but don’t be mad at them for it and think YOU need those teeth, too. Appreciate the good stuff for them without coveting it and being jealous.

9.  You can control VERY little that happens in life.  The only thing you CAN control is your reaction TO it. This goes for the big important things and the little bitty things.  You can’t control whether or not you get a flat tire on the way to work.  You can control whether on not you freak out and let it ruin your entire day.  You also can’t control whether or not your parents die, your spouse leaves you, you get a terminal illness…  but you can control how you respond.  Yes, yes… there are preventatives, blah, blah, blah… but sometimes things just happen.  Sometimes AWFUL things just happen.  Your CHOICE is to wallow or to move on.  There are always only two choices.  You can’t control the way OTHERS react to the awful things that happen… you can only control you.  Just you.

10.  Don’t worry about convincing other people to see things as you see them.  Agree to disagree.  There’s rarely a reason to be a “right fighter.”  If someone has different beliefs or values than you do, there’s no reason to convince them to switch to your side or even to SEE your side.  Now, be sure to listen to theirs… because maybe they’re right.  Maybe they know some things you don’t or can give you some insight.  You don’t have to agree on things in order to be friends.  And they don’t have to listen to you in order to be friends. The world should not have to be your echo chamber.  Allow for differences of opinions.

Finally, and most importantly, remember number one.  These are MY rules.  These are things I wish I had learned a long, long time ago.  You have to decide what YOU need for you.  Rule 9 is probably the hardest for me… but the others are all super, duper easy… and make me soooooo much happier than when I was breaking those rules all the time.

Dear Parents: 

Here’s what I know about you:

I know that your child(ren) are the most important thing in the world to you.  I know that you want the very best for them in every way.  I know that you constantly wish you could do more for them financially or emotionally or academically.  You are their biggest cheerleader.  Every day they do something that you think is truly wonderful.  They are hilarious and gifted and special.  You want to fight for them… but not too much.  You can only be as happy as your saddest child is.  You are their advocate.  You KNOW that NO ONE could ever possibly care about your child as much as you do.  Now, if  you are forced to tell the truth, you will admit, at least to yourself, that  your child ALSO can be the most disappointing person you’ve ever met.  They do things that you have no control over; you KNOW they should know better.  They don’t follow through when it would be so easy for them to do so.  They lie to you when telling the truth would be easier.  They give you attitude that you don’t deserve.  All you have ever done is your best for them, and they need to show you that they know that.  I know all of this about you.

Dear Teachers:

Here’s what I know about you:

You have the best interest of every single student in that room in your heart at all times.  You go out of your way to get to know them… even that quiet one in the back… even the one that doesn’t smell so good.  You learn what video games they’re in to.  You listen to their tales of woe.  You care about each of them so much that you lose sleep over them.  You neglect your own kids sometimes because of what you need to do for the kids in the room who are “your kids,” too.  You cry tears of joy at their pep rallies.  Your heart sinks when you know that they worked hard on something and weren’t successful.  You are the epitome of tough love, so nothing is more important to you than to get them ready for life AFTER your class.  When they leave the room,  you want to know that you have done your very best to get them to succeed.  But what I also know is that some days you are so frustrated and tired all you can think is, “I just need to show a movie.”  I know that you are overwhelmed by the amount of obstacles in  your way..  You are tired of talking to parents about students to whom you have given 110 chances yet a parent is asking for 111.  You are sick of students asking for “extra credit” when they didn’t do what they needed to in order to get ACTUAL credit in the first place.  All you have ever done is your best for them and they need to show you that they know that.  I know all of this about you.

Dear Students:

Here’s what I know about you.

You know that your teachers and your parents have your best interests at heart.  You know that they really want to see you reach every bit of potential you have.  You know what they say about your needing to grow up and stand up for yourself is right.  You know that you need to work hard and be prepared.  You know that a 9th grade education isn’t going to get you the house you want, the car you want, the family you want.  You know that if you paid more attention in school, went to tutorials, did your homework that you’d be more successful.  You know that, in the long run, most everything adults are saying to you is correct.  But, the truth be told, it’s all hard and scary and overwhelming.  And you’re a kid… and it’s so stinking hard for you to think about life beyond today… and Netflix and Instagram and Snapchat pull you in… and before too long you’re so far behind that you can’t see how you’ll ever catch up.  You KNOW you could do better… and sometimes you care, and sometimes you don’t.  You find yourself making up stories and hiding things and telling half truths far more often than you tell full truths.. and you just hope that none of us see through the facade.  You know that all of your teachers and your parents have done their best for you and they want you to show that you know that.  I know all of this about you.

Parents, teachers, students:

We’re in this together.  I swear to you we are.  We’re just coming at it from all different ways and we have all different roles.  We need to understand that about each other. 

Parents:

Please think back to your own education.  Realize that it was a RARE teacher who had it out to get you…  And if they did, it probably had something to do with you.  Please believe that teachers were not drawn to the profession for the paycheck or for the hours.  It is a labor of love…  They are professional people who want the best for your children.  You may have two, three, or even seven children.  They have had THOUSANDS… and as unique, and amazing, and wonderful as your child is, they HAVE seen similar situations, similar circumstances… Trust them when they tell you something.  They really may know a few things about raising kids to be adults that you don’t, as hard as that may be to hear.  They are on YOUR side… remember?  They want what’s best for your child.  Maybe you disagree… but maybe, just maybe,  the teacher is right.

Teachers:

Please don’t blame parents for fighting for their babies.  You are teaching a student whom you love… but you only have him for a few years at most… you haven’t TRULY seen everything that has gone on in that child’s life.  Be understanding when a parent can’t be.  Try to educate the parent instead of being an adversary.  Remind them that you are on their side.  Realize that over your years of teaching that MOST parents are reasonable, supportive individuals.  It can’t be an “us vs. them” mentality if  you truly want what’s best for all kids.  Be as united as you can.  Be as understanding of differences with parents as you are of differences with students. Really take the time to listen to a parent.  Maybe you disagree… but maybe, just maybe, the parent is right.

Students: 

Be honest.  That’s all I’ve got for you.

Be honest with your parents, be honest with your teachers, be honest with yourself.  You are the only one in the situation who knows the truth.  See things as they really are and don’t allow yourself to make an “us/them” mentality between two groups of people who you KNOW only want the best for you.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Yup… yup.. this is me… giving myself a virtual pat on the back.  Completely ridiculous of course, BUT… since the world has turned into a place where this is “how we do.”  I do…  🙂

So… the background:  I have ALWAYS been a mess… ALWAYS.  When I was growing up, my mom would occasionally have cyclone episodes where she’d come into my room, empty every drawer on the floor, throw everything out of the closet… and put it all in a pile in the middle of the room.  Sometimes she’d even stomp her feet and yell.  🙂  I came to call these her “mommie dearest” moments.  We had many a laugh about the wire hangers.

As I got older, she would ask me “How is it that everywhere you’ve been it’s STICKY!!!   You’re always STICKY!”    (This was not just when I was a teenager… this definitely continued into my late 20s).

The thing was… I never knew how it was “sticky.”  I don’t know why I didn’t clean as well as others.  I really didn’t!  I was just messy.  My mom and dad were organized, everything in their place… a place for everything…  My brother wanted things so orderly and tidy he ironed his money.  (nope, that’s not a joke.  He may still do it.  He’s definitely still fastidious.  You should see my mom and him do dishes after a Thanksgiving meal… it’s a sight to be seen).

Me…  I used to call cleaning my closet “spelunking.”  That was no joke.  I had virtually nothing on hangers in there…  Clothes were hip deep… most I never even wore.  (They were clean.  The dirty ones were one the bedroom floor.)

In my late 20s I went through this hoarding episode.  Soooooo weird.  Who knows what causes that, for real?  I lived in a dark apartment in Houston for about three years.  I literally let garbage fall off the table on to the floor.  My washing machine quit draining, and I wouldn’t call a repairman in to fix it because I was too embarrassed to let him see the filth.  THEN my air conditioning stopped working… for the WHOLE summer… IN HOUSTON… and I didn’t get it fixed because I didn’t want the complex to see the apartment.  I had friends and did stuff… I wouldn’t let ANYONE come over… .CRAZY!  Finally, one day I decided I couldn’t live like that anymore… Found a new apartment… threw EVERYTHING away (including most of the furniture) and moved.  I hired a cleaning lady to come in every two weeks so that I wouldn’t let THAT happen again.

The cleaning lady helped, somewhat… but STILL… I had the closet spelunking… and my CAR… Oh, my!!!   It was like my apartment… just more compact.

One would hope this would change when I met Richard.  Sadly, not so much…  Turns out, he’s something of a pack rat… and, although he likes a SPOTLESS kitchen… everything else…  Ehhhhhh….

So… we kept the cleaning lady to make sure things got picked up somewhat…  His closet was MOSTLY clean… because I did all the laundry…  And, although I’d just throw the clean clothes on the floor of mine, I’d hang his up and put it away…. sometimes… The other times, all laundry stayed on top of the dryer in a gigantic laundry volcano…

Then, in 2013, I bought a “new to me” car.  It is a lovely Ford Escape… and I vowed not to let it get all mucked up…  and I didn’t… it still isn’t…  more than two years later.  I can easily tell people that they are welcome in my car.  It’s not pristine or perfect… but there are no giant mounds of trash…  years of dirt…  trash bags full of things (yes, I had that in my former vehicles).  It’s perfectly acceptable.

Last summer, Richard and I moved to a house.  And, for the first time,. we had to share a bathroom and a closet.  Eeeeek!   I ALWAYS threw my clothes all over my bathroom floor as well.  Well, as of this month, we’ve been in this house for 8  months.  In the time we have been here, ALL clothes (his and mine) have been washed and put on a hanger every week.  There is no longer a mountain of clothing anywhere.

I do an adequate job of picking things up daily… so that when people come over it is not a horrifying experience for anyone.  I do not have to feel embarrassed when someone happens to drop by.

Is it perfect?  Would my mother and brother approve?  Well, come on, now… it’s not THAT clean…

However, it is an improvement… and I am patting myself on the back…

See, people CAN change!   Atta girl!   🙂

A phrase that needs to be entirely eradicated from the English vocabulary:  committed suicide

In general, I don’t believe in policing words.   I believe that there is a time and a place for just about every phrase.  I think people should think more about the words that they use before they use them… because there is almost always the PERFECT word for each situation… (Heck, be your own Shakespeare… invent your own phrase if one doesn’t exist…)

But for every good rule, there has to be an exception, and I think that the phrase committed suicide needs to go away.

No matter what the reason for taking one’s own life, it is never a “crime.”  It should not be in the same class with horrific atrocities such as genocide or matricide…

Subconsciously or not… when you use that phrase, you’re blaming an innocent victim who died from something else entirely.

I don’t really want to talk about teens or children here because teens taking their own lives is often not the same as when an adult does it.  (SOMETIMES it is.)  But teens, no matter how mature they may seem, are not fully developed enough to understand the finality of the action.  They MAY be reacting to temporary pain.  They may be falling victim to the illogical thought, “I’ll show (insert whomever here).  Imagine how bad they’ll feel when they find out they made me do this.”  But even in the case of kids who can’t think past the moment, they are not criminals.

With this blog I am speaking more of adults.  I’ve mentioned this before, but I had a conversation with a friend today which again left me disheartened and upset about people’s lack of compassion for mental illness.

This friend of mine used two statements so common in reference to taking one’s own life that they have become trite and cliched.  She spoke of the “permanent solution to a temporary problem” and of the “selfishness” of the act.

I talked to her for quite awhile and asked her, “How do you know?”

“Know what?”  she responded

“That the problem was temporary?  That the person was being selfish.”

She responded that all things are temporary and that if God brings us to it, he will bring us through it.  (I’ve mentioned my dislike of that particular phrase before… so I’m not going to get into that…)

Her response made me very sad.  What is it in the human psyche that makes so many want to claim that mental illness is not a REAL thing… that with enough prayer and enough therapy and the right mindset we can THINK ourselves out of a chemical imbalance??

I’m not sure if it’s fear that it will happen to them…  the inability to relate because it HASN’T happened to them. Because they know SOME people who had therapy and it worked for them.

I wonder if these same people believe in THINKING your way out of diabetes, heart disease, Parkinson’s, ALS…

I have A LOT of people in my family who have had cancer.  A lot of them survived it.  A lot of them didn’t.

Sometimes the problem ISN’T temporary.  Sometimes it’s much more serious than that.

Several years ago a friend of mine’s nephew took his life.  When he did so, he left a note stating that the voices in his head were getting to be too much.  He was afraid of what he was going to do to his family.  He was planning to kill his parents and his sister.  He was in counseling.  He was in therapy.  He was going through all of the right steps, but it wasn’t enough… in the end he took his life to avoid taking theirs.  Is that selfish?  Is that a permanent solution to a temporary problem?

I had a great aunt who struggled her entire life.  Eventually she resorted to electroshock therapy.  Fortunately (?) that worked for her… but the brain is a very complicated organ… and that doesn’t work for everyone.

When we see people suffering through terminal illness like cancer, we call them brave and courageous.  When we see them struggling with depression and anxiety, we call them weak.

It’s so easy to have compassion for someone who is struggling with an illness we can see.  We need to be more compassionate and understanding of those who are struggling with the illnesses we can’t see.

Depression, anxiety, mental illness can be every BIT as fatal as any other horrific disease that no one asked to get…

…so instead of using that horrible phrase let’s say “died from complications due to depression”  or “passed away after a long struggle with her illness”

Let’s not make someone into a criminal just because we are afraid of their disease.  Let’s remember to be understanding.

I’m not religious.

There.  I said it.  I’m not Lutheran or Christian or independently spiritual…

I’m also not atheist or agnostic or anything else with a label.

I tried to be religious.  I really did.  My parents took the family to church a few times when we were little.  It was fine.  I’ve always thought Bible stories were really interesting.  King Solomon was my favorite. When I was in school, I felt like I may be missing something, so I joined Awana and memorized bible verses. When I was in high school, I started going to church with a friend.  I remembered inviting my mom to go with me once.  The minister’s tagline was “Does God live in your house?  Does God live in your house?”  My mom leaned over to me at one point and said,  “Well, no, but he can visit any time he likes.”  *lol*… my mom is great!

When I went to college, one of the reasons I CHOSE Baylor was to get a little more religion.  It’s such a HUGE part of our national character I really wanted to know and to understand.  I took old and new testament bible classes, I took a “the bible as literature” course.  I went to church and revivals, and disciples in God meetings…

…and what I learned was that it didn’t make sense to me.  I get it… I like the CONCEPT behind it…  that there is something benevolent and omnipresent there… that we have this code of rules that GOOD people should live by…  that we have someplace to turn when there is no where else to go…

…but it still doesn’t make sense… because ultimately every religion says they’re the RIGHT one… Catholics, Baptists, Episcopalians…  Jewish, Islam… all of them… they all have their own story or their own variation on the story, and they all claim that their way is the ONLY way…  Make no mistake… they ALL will kill you for disagreeing with them… maybe not in the current, bloody, flashy way that Isis is… but bloody Mary got her name for a reason… the Crusades did happen…  people have been killed for being heretics, and for being abortion doctors, and for being gay…  for what?  for disagreeing that what a book says is true?

That really wasn’t my point, however. My point is the sadness that I sometimes get from people when I tell them I am not religious.  People will look at me with such disappointment in their eyes that I have not “accepted Jesus.”  I did… I really did…  I believed it once.  Nothing earth shattering happened to make me NOT believe… it’s just that it no longer made sense.  Besides, I was baptized as a baby… and if you’re worried about my soul and spending eternity in hell, I won’t… I was baptized… and according to at least one religion that’s good enough…

The part that makes me REALLY sad is I have had more than one person ask me recently:  “If you’re not a Christian, then what would make you be a good person?”  I can’t tell you how sad that makes me.  Why WOULDN’T I be a good person?  Why should I need the threat of punishment or the promise of a reward to sacrifice and to be good? Why wouldn’t I want to treat other people the way I would like to be treated? and why would I expect anything in return from other people?

I’ve always been taught that when you leave someplace you should leave it nicer than it was when you got there…  what difference does it make if I have children myself?… there are billions of people existing on a planet where I exist every day… because I am part of the human race… because I was BORN it is my job to do the best for the planet and to be good to every human being I encounter.

I do not have any need to make ANYONE else believe the way that I do.  If you KNOW without a doubt that God exists… if you have SEEN and interacted with Jesus and He is part of your every day life, good for you.  I am happy for you that you feel that relationship.  You do not need to be sad for me that I don’t.   If you want to pray for me, feel free!   Positive energy in the universe IS something in which I believe.  I think we’ re ALL connected.  I believe in the law of conservation… I believe that energy can neither be created or destroyed…and can simply change forms.  I believe that everyone and everything that is here now has ALWAYS been here and always will be…  I can’t explain everything, but I don’t need to… I don’t need myth to explain.

Many people I know who are Christians have spoken to me of times they have felt abandoned by God… or wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people… They think that maybe they’re going through some kind of test… or they need to “let go and let God.”  If that works for them, great.

But I also see people crushed by the idea that God has abandoned them; their well meaning religious friends turn to them and say “If God brings us to it, he’ll bring us through it…”  When Pat Robertson or Joel Olsteen tells them that there is only ONE way to get through hard times…and they get MORE angry and more resentful because they no longer know how to help themselves when they feel God is not there for them.

I think there’s something to be said for both aspects… if turning to the church works for you…  that’s great, but if it leaves you feeling abandoned and alone as a failure…  isn’t it just as okay to realize that maybe “God” had nothing to do with whatever crisis it is you’re enduring?  that it’s just a really horrible thing that happened… and that it’s up to you to choose to get through it?  You don’t have to turn to the very thing that you expected to protect you and support you when you feel like you are entirely alone.  It’s okay to realize that you have yourself and your friends and your family and that you don’t have to rely on the supernatural.

Along those same lines, I really don’t understand vehement atheists either… people who are ANGRY that others take their religion so seriously and it’s so important to them..  It provides something for them…  I don’t understand why anyone would want to take away something that comforts someone else

I get it… I get that non religious people get upset when the religious try to control THEM based on beliefs to which they don’t adhere…  when we start insisting that laws and curriculum need to be based on religion that’s a problem…  I hope we’re moving away from that as far as laws are concerned… and as far as curriculum… I say “so what…”  If you don’t want your child to have an abstinence only education, then educate your child about birth control.  If you don’t want your child to hear about the theory of evolution, tell your child why you believe it isn’t true…

I don’t understand why everyone is always so concerned about making everyone else believe what THEY believe.  Express your opinions.  Debate.  Listen.  Learn… but there seems to be this need for so many (religious AND non) to say “This is what I believe.  What I believe is best…  You would be better off if you believe it… so you need to…”

Religious people saying “I  have been where you are before… when I found God my whole life changed…”  Often there’s no malice behind it at all…  it really is them wanting you to feel how they do…

but the atheist feeling is often the same… “I’ve been where you are…. my life got so much better when I realized that was all just a story… when I realized that I’m in control of my destiny… not some supernatural force…”

And I know far too many atheists who just assume that religious people are ignorant or redneck or uneducated because they have faith and because they believe in things that can’t be seen or touched by everyone.  I think atheists who believe that about ALL religious people are even more ignorant than the religious people for whom they have such unmitigated disdain.

I believe in the power and the eternal life of the human spirit.  I believe in the power of positive energy.  I believe in the law of attraction.  I believe in integrity and charity and faithfulness…

I believe in being a good person.

I believe the world would be a better place if we would listen more and judge less.

I believe that NO ONE needs to believe the same way that I do.

I believe Rodney King may have said the most profound thing ever…  🙂

Three mini blogs for the price of none…

For the past three years I have given my AP students a research paper to write over Christmas break.  Yes, Yes… evil shrew teacher I know.  Before you get all crazed, realize I assign it on October 15.  We dedicate portions of at least four class days to doing it.  It’s not actually DUE until January 15.  However, the paper is also a contest.  Students need to use a minimum of 5 sources and 700-1000 words to describe an act of political courage by an elected US official since 1956.

It’s a pretty tough task.  The winner gets $10,000 and a trip to Boston.  In the past two years I have had an honorable mention and a finalist.  (The finalist won $500.  YAY!)

In order for them to SUBMIT, however, they have to submit by January 5.  I am supposed to proofread and advise on their submissions before they send them.  Submission is not a requirement; but if they do submit, I give them bonus points AND I have proofread their paper, so many choose to do so.  I tell them that they must email their paper to me over the break by January 2.

I woke up to the following email this morning.

I haven’t proof read it yet (just finished writing it) but I feel like it’s just genuinely bad. I picked someone who just doesn’t really have political courage but I’ve spent all this time researching her so I went ahead and attempted to write it. This is definitely far from my best work and I feel terrible about it but I made myself write because the stress is killing me and I want to be Done with this so I’m really sorry, please help as much as you can but…I don’t see it getting any better than this. Anyways I hope you’re enjoying your break! Thanks for the help and sorry you have to read this. 

(I am so tired) 

Awwwwww!!!!   Poor baby  :-(((((  Being 16 is so hard!!!

Kids are so darn sweet!   Now, this is from one of the BEST of the BEST students.  She’ll graduate somewhere in the top 10 in her class (not top 10%… top 10 people).  She is an excellent writer.  She works her keister off.  Can’t you just FEEL the frustration?

Then, her apologizing to ME for what she feels is subpar work… wow…

A slight digression here.  I say this again and again, but I hope all teachers realize this.  Teaching is a heady, heady thing…. and very dangerous.  I don’t know if it’s the great job that parents do establishing to their children that teachers are an authority or that we’re all ego driven control freaks who project so much ethos that students believe what we say is important.  It doesn’t matter either way…  those kids are looking up to you.  They are listening to you.  They are trying to make you proud.  RESPECT THAT.  Think about every word that comes out of your mouth.

Sweet girl, I was ANYTHING BUT a stellar student in school.  I was mediocre at best.  I was smart, sure… but did I care about school?  Not so much…  Now, I say that, but looking back I remember Mr. Levin and Mr. Goldberg… both who said that they had never had a better writer in class than I.  I remember my brother being proud when Goldberg told him that HE was the best writer since his sister.  (My brother was also a subpar student… who then went on to minor in English in college.) I remember my 8th grade English teacher, Mrs. Davis, who told me I was the biggest disappointment she ever had in her career because I refused to apply myself and she couldn’t recommend me for honors English.  (I thought I didn’t care… but that was more than 30 years ago, and I remember…).  I remember Mrs. Reichenbach telling my mother in a parent conference that my brother and I were two of the biggest disappointments she had in 20 years…  I remember ALL of that…So I think I must have cared.

So back to loving my students.  The email above is not the first encounter I have had of this kind.  One of my VERY best students used to come in to class SHAKING before every test.  At one point I told her “This is just school.  This is not life.”  She earnestly looked at me and said “But what if this IS my life.”  I heard my quote echoed back to me during her salutatory address at graduation, but I was quite sincere about that.  I still am!

Another student came in every day after school to prepare for the AP test.  She asked for practice after practice.  I told her that she had to calm down… that she was going to be fine.  She responded, “I just know you think I’m going to do well.  I’m so afraid I’m going to disappoint you.”

Disappoint me?  I spent an educational career of disappointing teachers.  Just by virtue of the fact that you CARE  you MIGHT disappoint me, you can’t disappoint me.

I spend a lot of time telling students that I am no sort of superior authority just because I’m the sage on the stage standing in front of the class.  All that means is I have a college education and passed a test that said I could do this… There was no great magical wand that came down from the sky and said, “I dub thee, TEACHER.”  Yet, they treat me that way.

So… yes, I edited the research paper, but this is also how I responded to the email:

“First thing is first. This is JUST an assignment for class. It’s just one paper. It is not a judgment of your skills as a writer or, more importantly, of you as a person. Don’t let it get you down. Writing about things that don’t necessarily intrigue you can be quite difficult. You are a talented writer and a bright, capable student.

… Chin up, buttercup 🙂. All is not lost. In the end, you will complete the assignment. Maybe you’ll like it. Maybe you won’t, but it will be behind you.“

I read back over that, and I hope I said the right things.

But in the end *I* know that I did the best I could…  that I tried to do right by her as I try to do right by all of my students, and I know that with the kind of students I deal with on a day to day basis that the world is going to be just fine.

So #kindnessmatters had a really interesting “Kindness Challenge” this week.  The challenge was to truly forgive someone.

I take these kindness challenges very seriously and do my best to accomplish each one several times each week, but this one has thrown me for kind of a loop.  I have found myself thinking about it over and over again during the day, and I’m left wondering:  What does that mean?

Then, I’m traversing my own emotions wormhole.

In general, I’m very in touch with what I’m feeling.  What is the emotion that is happening in my head?  What is the root cause of it?  How should I deal with it?  As I have discussed in former blogs, these things are not unfamiliar to me.  I am not “reactionary.”  I am quick to think and slow to speak.

Like so many things in my life, I think I have my mother to thank for this.  My grasp on my emotions was certainly not true in my girlie teenage life.  Mom often told me that I was outrageous for the sake of being outrageous.  I was a typically negative teenager.  After every dark comment that I’d make, my mom would perkily (Mom is nothing if not perky) say, “Now say something nice.” She told me  if I wanted my words (primarily profanity) and thoughts to have more impact, I needed to think about when I use them.  She also banned me from speaking (arguing) with certain family members.  All of these things worked to my benefit.  I learned to craft words in my head and think about their repercussions before I said them.  I learned to LISTEN to what other people had to say instead of just waiting to speak.  These are all traits I like about me.

…and somewhere along the way I lost the “ability” to become angry.

I have almost no temper at all.  I did one of those silly Facebook quizzes recently called “What kind of Disaster are You?”  The response was that I was a tornado… that I may appear calm, but I’m a maelstrom inside and can do mass destruction… My thought was, “Um… no….  the calm is for real.”

I think it’s very hard for people to believe that… but between mom’s advice and the thoughts in my own head I have realized that, for me, anger is not a worthwhile emotion.  Anger at another human being doesn’t solve anything.  Anger is reactionary.  Don’t get me wrong.  This does not mean that I go through life like a doormat and a victim.  It means I step back and say “Why did that person …??”  If it is something that I need to address, I do.  If I realize I can’t do anything about it, I have ZERO problem with removing someone from my life if it’s necessary.  That’s not reactionary.  That’s problem solving.  There are a whole lot of people with whom I’m cordial but also who I realize are not healthy to have in my life. I feel no hatred or ill will towards these people… I’m just done with them.

So in order to “forgive” someone… do you have to be “angry” with them?

In order to “forgive” do you have to let them be in your life?

There are a few people in my social circle who I have come to realize have values very different from my own.  I’m not talking about which side of the political aisle… I’m talking about fundamental beliefs.  I know people who openly gay bash in front of me.  People who make overtly racist remarks.  People who cannot listen to the opinions of others without getting personal. I have expressed to them why I don’t think their words are appropriate.  They have continued to defend themselves and continued to personally attack those with beliefs which differed from their own.  I cannot change these people.  I am not friends with them.  I do not socialize with them.  I do not sit around and tolerate their behavior, but I’m not “angry.”  I just don’t wish to have these people in my life.

Am I supposed to “forgive” them?  Am I supposed to keep them in my life?

That’s a TOUGH one!

It goes back to the whole empathy thing…  I understand how they were raised and all of that.  Still, in my mind, they’re just WRONG.  It’s like someone who insists on continuing to call the world flat.  It’s like someone who insists that Noah had dinosaurs on the ark.  I’m not angry with them…  I understand WHY they feel the way that they do… Is that forgiveness?

And, if not for anger, are we supposed to forgive those who have hurt us? Betrayed us?

Also a REALLY tough one.

Does forgiveness mean you put a single action behind you or that you start with a clean slate?  And is it even wise to begin with a clean slate?

I do believe that if someone hurts you, it’s not your fault… it’s theirs.  You can look for the WHY in what they did.  You can forgive them the action, but is it WISE to put it completely in the past and move beyond it?

I don’t know about that.

I really think it depends on the situation.

Moments of weakness… one time indiscretions…  Sure, forgive those… move past them…

But patterns?  If you let someone keep hurting you and keep forgiving their mistakes, don’t you become the fool at some point?

So I’m going to continue to struggle with this challenge this week.  I know that forgiveness is never about the other person… it’s something you do to free yourself from anger.  But if you’re not angry, is there really a need to forgive?  If you forgive, does the individual whom you forgave have to get his position back in your life?

I’m kidding.. I’m kidding… I haven’t got any grievances to air.  Life is visions of sugar plums over here…

What I do have is a rehash of an old blog… with some additions.

Things I KNOW I SHOULD like, and that I kinda WANT to like…but I really, really don’t like  (originally posting date June 23, 2011… so there are some references made to a summer teacher.  🙂

I’ve mentioned this before, however (much to the chagrin of many of my teacher friends). A month off is PLENTY for me.  After that, I get bored.  If I were made of money and Richard had the summer off, too… things would be different, but even then… there’s so much I WISH I enjoyed doing…

I wish I enjoyed being crafty…  I could play around with paint on the walls and stencils.  I could go to Michael s and put together flower arrangements or whatever it is people go to Michael s to do…and look for uplights and accents… I could wander the scrapbook aisle looking for the perfect ribbon to put on my pages…  but it’s messy and tedious and detail oriented… so I don’t enjoy being crafty.  I don’t look at other items and think, “Hey, I could do that.”   I think “Hey, I could buy that…”  because there is ZERO fun for me in the process of making.  I lack dexterity.  I lack an eye for detail.  It’s no fun at all and makes me feel frustrated and inferior.

I wish I enjoyed spa days…  I would love to enjoy hour long massages and pedicures and walking around in a robe and fuzzy slippers while I drink cucumber water and green tea and sit in a sauna and spend the day “relaxing”…but I feel sticky and fat and out of place and hot…so I don’t enjoy the spa. The same can be said for getting my hair and/or nails done.  I don’t like to take the time to go in and sit there for hours.  Besides, the final product always involves MORE getting ready once I get something new done.  I wish that I could be excited about the thought of hilights and lowlights and manicures and pedicures, but it all sounds like a day of torture.

I wish I enjoyed shopping.  I know that I have friends who spend happy hours at the Domain going from store to store and buying one or two little things.  When I shop, it’s on a MISSION… and I HOPE it’s on Amazon…  I do not enjoy looking for the “perfect” whatever in one store after another.  When I buy a CAR, it takes me less than an hour…  I certainly don’t want to spend longer than that looking for a candle! And why would I want to shop for clothes all year long?  I shop once when it’s hot and once when it’s cold… and even then it’s only if I have to replace items from the year before.  If I feel like I can get through hot or cold without anything new, even better!

I wish I enjoyed reading classic novels… I would love to enjoy getting  involved in the stories of Austen and Bronte… the characterization and sentence structure of Faulkner… to read Dostoevsky and Tolstoy and broaden my literary horizons… but the writing is hard and you have to pay attention and all those characters run together. I don’t enjoy classic novels.

I wish I enjoyed gardening…I would love to enjoy going down to the Natural Gardner and learn all there is to know about organic gardening and plant my own vegetables and herbs.  I wish I wanted to know which kind of foliage does best in a hanging basket and which should be potted on the ground.  What are my annuals and my perennials, and can I buy ladybugs to help with pests??…but it’s really really hot outside, and that’s a whole lot of stooping and dirty hands… plus flowers take a lot of work.  I don’t enjoy gardening.

I wish I enjoyed cooking…So many farmers’ markets, so many specialty stores, so many places to search and find the very best ingredients.  I could spend all day researching recipes and cooking techniques.  I could go to free cooking demonstrations and learn fabulous knife skills… but there’s a lot of running around involved with really good cooking, and it’s hot… and it’s messy… and it’s expensive. I don’t enjoy cooking.

I wish I enjoyed exploring.on my own….I could go down to the museums, hang out in SoCo and watch the world go by.  I could check out all the funky shops and finally go on the Austin duck tour… but I DO like to explore, I just like to explore with OTHER people.  Most of the fun I get out of my exploration experiences is sharing them with someone else, but I don’t enjoy exploring on my own.

I wish I enjoyed cleaning and organizing… but I DON’T!!!!  🙂  I enjoy buying new cleaning PRODUCTS and new smells… but the actual nitty gritty of cleaning is no fun at all.  It takes a long time, and when you’re finished you always notice one more thing you should have done better.  I don’t enjoy cleaning at all.

I wish I enjoyed “dressing up.”   This includes ANY kind of dressing up.  It doesn’t matter if it’s dressing for a luncheon, or a bridal shower, or a wedding, or business casual, or the opera, or Halloween..  any kind of dressing other than every day dressing is NOT enjoyable.  You’re always expected to be wearing something new or different for the occasion.  People are looking and judging.. and dressing up is never just the “dress”… (and woe is me if it’s an ACTUAL dress!!!)…  but it’s the shoes, the hair, the accessories, the makeup, the bag… the whole shebang…  UGH!!!!  I LOVE spending time with my friends… but dressing up?  NEVER!!!   Worse yet?  When you’re not dressing up for friends ,but dressing up for strangers..  Egad!   My skin crawls just thinking about it!

…but I often spend so much time thinking about what I feel like I SHOULD be enjoying that I forget to enjoy the things I AM doing.  I enjoy reading my cheapo grocery store novels, I enjoy People magazine, I enjoy walking my dog, I enjoy writing, I enjoy spending time with my girlfriends, I enjoy drinking cucumber vodka, I enjoy a good movie.

I enjoy kissing my husband when he comes in the door.

I  enjoy being able to work out at 9:30 in the morning and then again at 4:30 in the afternoon if I like.  I enjoy being able to “get ready” over a three hour time span.  I enjoy making plans to play trivia, go to the Texas wineries, go to Grease sing-a-longs all in the middle of the week.  I enjoy wine tastings and hew restaurants. I enjoy making plans to go to new places and trying new things.  I enjoy teaching and coming up with lesson plans and spending hours on Facebook.

…I enjoy my life.

I hate any situation that involves me and a police officer.  I am a law-abiding citizen.  I don’t even like to hold guns.  I don’t speed (often). I know the laws.  I am a rule follower.  I believe that rules are there for a reason…

…and yet most encounters I’ve had with police officers have been unsettling at best… and confrontational at worst  (Never confrontational on MY part… but I have dealt with some “unnecessarily” rude police officers for what I feel is no reason.)  Even when they’re cordial, they are often snide and condescending.

I don’t like situations where I have to deal with police…

…but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Thank you for being that way, officer… and I understand why you are.  Thank you for protecting me, my home, and my family.  Thank you for being the type of person that OTHERS don’t want to confront and deal with either.  Thank you for being aware.  Thank you for being on guard.  Thank you for noticing when a seemingly tranquil situation may not be so tranquil at all.

I think people who are GOOD at their jobs often choose the profession for which they are most suited.  I know a few police officers in “real life.”  Some were former students.  Some I’ve just met along the way… and they all have that swagger… that bravado… in and out of uniform.  I contend that they have to.  Every police officer has to believe every single time they confront an individual that their life is on the line.  If they don’t believe that, they could end up getting hurt.  People AROUND them could end up getting hurt… and if you’re not a little bit of a jerk to begin with, no one is going to feel intimidated by you.  Police officers are there to SERVE and protect.  Sometimes you may not like the way that they’re serving… but you’re fine when they are there protecting.    I’m not “buddies” with a whole lot of police officers.  Their personalities don’t mesh well with mine, but I definitely still respect and understand what they’re doing.

Granted, there are a few rotten apples out there who make the rest look bad.  BUT not every teacher is trying to seduce her students, not every CEO is committing fraud, not every doctor is guilty of malpractice.  We can’t judge the profession based on the WORST of the profession.  I still believe the rogue cop is the exception, not the rule…

But I do believe that it takes a certain personality to be a police officer.

I think the same can be said for ALL who are good at their profession.  There is something in a person’s personality that makes them suited for it.  I also know a lot of salespeople… You know, that slick “Whatever you want to hear” attitude… where you’re never quite sure if they are sincere, or if they are always trying to sell you something.  Doctors with the god complex… the whole idea that they can fix ANYTHING… and CONSTANTLY look to get to the bottom of the problem but are so annoyingly “right” even when they’re wrong…

The teachers… with the “teacher voice” even in public.  The feeling that they’re constantly trying to teach you some sort of lesson.  The teachers in school shootings who try to reason with gunmen and who are more concerned about getting kids out of the building than they are about their own lives??  That’s because it’s the personality trait of someone who chose to be a teacher.

Professional athletes always think that they should be the one with the ball… that they are the one who can win the game…

And combat soldiers are taught to hate and to follow orders without question… because they have to.

My heart is broken by dumb thugs, criminals who think they’re making some kind of “statement” by killing people who are just doing their job.  The very same officers who are shot and killed in the line of duty would protect their assailants every other day of their lives.

I don’t think it’s fair to ask for kinder, gentler officers…especially when sometimes kind and gentle doesn’t get the respect it needs to protect lives.

Thank you, officers, for your service.  And when you pull me over and yell at me to keep my hands on the wheel and lecture me and make me feel inferior… I’ll remember WHY you are acting the way you do…  and I’m so sorry for all the brothers and sisters you have lost.

Over the last three years I have chosen to make a very deliberate and conscious effort to feel EMPATHY and it has made my life immeasurably both better and more difficult.

When I began on my empathy project, I noticed that my frustration levels decreased in leaps and bounds, but my sympathy levels multiplied to an area where they are sometimes unbearable.

I’m trying to figure out if this is because I’m a teacher, because I’m a leader, because I’m getting older… or something else…

In the words of Inigo Montoya… “You kill my father, prepare to…”  oh, wait… wrong quote… what I meant was “Let me ‘splain…no, there is too much… let me sum up.”

So the beginnings:  I work in a high school.  I am the English department chair which really just means that I am a funnel.  I get information and then I give it to the group.  I have no ACTUAL power.  I am solely our representative.  However, I work in a department comprised of 12 other women, 2 coaches, and 1 dude…  And I learned REALLY fast that they ALL respond to every bit of new information that they get in entirely different ways.  Teachers are ALL control freaks; otherwise, they wouldn’t be teachers.  In the beginning, I would be incredibly frustrated by the 15 different reactions to the same situation.  Then, they’d break into their little cliques…find the people who agreed most closely with their reaction… and gang up on me.

It all felt very personal.  I was just the funnel after all.  But, turns out, I’m a girl, too… so then I was left looking for someone to SYMPATHIZE with me.  Feel bad for me…  but there was no one.  Just by virtue of some silly title and a whopping $200 a month (before taxes) I was no longer one of them…  so…  that wasn’t going to work.

Instead, I started working on empathy.  I started to really think about “why.”  Why is this person reacting the way they are?  What in their personality makes them feel this way?  What is the root of the problem?  It doesn’t matter that I felt bad that they were upset until I tried to think about the PERSON and what caused that reaction.  I was no longer frustrated when I realized that their reaction was caused by something else in their general make up… they were an introvert… or this one project meant something in particular to them, or it was very difficult for them to handle change… or their principles were being compromised

and often if I addressed THEIR problem and how THEY felt, it went much better than simply saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  and I really DID understand WHY they felt… not just HOW they felt… and it was fine that I didn’t feel the same way because I didn’t have to.

I have zero need to make other people think and feel the way that I do.  I think once upon a time I did. Don’t get me wrong… I STILL think the way I think and feel is usually the RIGHT way… and I will tell others what I feel and why… but if they don’t feel the same way, that’s okay.  They have reasons for their beliefs, too…and I’d rather figure out what their reasons are than try to force them to believe mine. After all, maybe they have better reasons for their beliefs than I do.

This empathy project has bled over into ever aspect of my life.  I think I’ve become a better friend because of it.  I really care why my friends feel the way that they do.  Whether it’s just “venting” or if it’s their real, true soul bearing, I care.  I want to know and understand why they feel the things that they feel.  I am no longer waiting for my turn to speak… or even worse, to prove them wrong.  I just want to realize what’s going on with them.

It is interesting how many people bristle as soon as you question their beliefs… I also empathize with their “prickliness.”  If they’re not quite sure why they believe what they do… they get hostile.  It happens MUCH more with adults than with kids, interestingly enough.  Kids are still figuring out their beliefs, so they know why they believe what they do; and if you start questioning them, more often than not, they want to know YOUR beliefs.  It’s pretty cool, actually.  It could be just because I’m a teacher, however, and they put me on some sort of pseudo pedestal.  I do warn them time and time again that I am not a life expert… I am not some sage on the stage… and just because I have the title of “teacher” does not make my advice any more valuable.  (Very scary thing being a teacher… I’ve blogged about that before…)

But that’s different than what I’m talking about here…

So that’s all the GOOD in the empathy project… and how it has helped me become a better leader, better teacher, and better friend…  Now for the BAD…

I guess I can just use my example… Robin Williams.  I literally can’t type his name without crying again.  Oh my gosh, that poor man.  His WHOLE life in so much agonizing pain and shame.  He tried absolutely everything.  He tried self medication, he tried counseling, he tried real medication… but the illness in his head would not let up.  He had to go through life with constant, crippling, anxiety and depression… where he couldn’t be proactive he could only react because he was in constant pain.  He tried so hard to make the world a beautiful place for everyone else while he was only tortured himself.

The empathy project is dangerous… because the more you work at it… the better you get at it.  And it is so far reaching…  because if we continue on the Robin Williams track you have the people who call him our for being a quitter.  For having everything and not trying hard enough… and then you are looking into THEIR heads… What are they struggling with that makes them feel so much anger toward another human being for taking his own life?  What’s inside them that causes them to feel the need to write someone off entirely  because they made one mistake???

See what I mean?  There’s no end to it…  I’m thinking of police officers trying right now so hard to stand up for their profession… handing out gift cards and cash and reminding us that they’re there to serve and protect… and I’m thinking of Black mothers warning all of their sons when they go outside that there’s a target on their back.  I think of Muslims who truly are against the radicals and terrorists… and t think of the terrorists, too…and wonder if they really feel that level of hatred and what drives them…

In the end, the empathy project is good for me…  It has made me a better human being for sure…

…but I wonder… is this something everyone goes through?  Is it for all or just a few?  Does everyone look at different views?

“Stop rhyming, I mean it.”

“Does anybody want a peanut?”