I went on the easiest diet EVER in April 2004.  That’s me on the left over there…  all 348 pounds of me.  The one to the right is me in February 2005… but I had actually been at 170 pounds since November 2004… and it was soooooooo easy.

So how’d I do it?  It was a an 800 calorie liquid diet for seven months.  Every week I would buy dried packets of chocolate, vanilla, and “chicken” soup.  I got to have four of them a day.  I could also have one dill pickle, one box of sugar free jello, and one diet coke (all my other drinks had to be water.)

That was it.  I wasn’t allowed anything else.  Nothing.  So, I would go to a restaurant or a bar with my friends, order a glass or water, and make my shake.  You might ask, “Wasn’t that hard?”   The answer is “Absolutely, not.  It was the easiest thing ever.”  You know why that is?  Because the answer was black and white.  I didn’t have to think.  I didn’t have to consider.  I knew I COULDN’T have anything to eat, so all of the stress was taken away.

Yes, it was incredibly easy… but that’s not how life works.

I’m well aware I baited many of you into reading this because, let’s face it, weight loss is a lot more interesting to most people than philosophy…. so if you’re done reading at this point, I did it through Methodist Hospital in Houston.  I loved the program, and I’d likely do it again if I still lived there… but that’s not why I wrote this blog.  I wrote it to talk about why life can never be THAT easy… it can never be THAT black and white… and I hope you choose to continue reading.

What brought this to mind was a certain mom/activist whom I saw pop up on a friend’s Facebook feed one day.  Her name is Alice Linahan.  Feel free to look her up and see for yourself.  She is an extremely conservative mom from Argyle, Texas, and she is VERY concerned about the direction that education has taken in the last six years or so.

In education, in response to outcry from universities and businesses, we have moved away from disseminating knowledge to students to helping them think for themselves.  No longer do we want them to memorize and and repeat facts.  Instead, we want them to work on how to utilize facts to problem solve and come to decisions. There is an emphasis on student centered learning and collaboration.  The teacher as the “sage on the stage” should be a thing of the past, according to trends in education.

According to Alice Linahan, this is the government’s attempt to break down family values.  She says that by teaching students to critically think and evaluate that we are systematically and purposefully destroying religion.  She also says that it is the communistic/socialistic government’s plan to have students work together collaboratively so that they will reach consensus and be much more easily controlled. She is not alone in this thought.  In 2012 the Texas Republican platform specifically disavowed critical thinking.

Linahan is MUCH more comfortable with black and white thinking.  She was particularly bothered by a question posed in her daughter’s AP English III class that said “If God is all powerful and benevolent, why does he allow innocent babies to suffer.”

Wow!   That is a HEAVY question for a seventeen year old church girl to tackle, isn’t it?

Linahan  wrote a letter to her school board where she shared the quiz that her daughter took.  She testified before Texas congress.  She went on the radio.  She did everything that she could to make sure we don’t continue to make students think about things like this in school because that kind of challenge is HARD.

But it’s so important.In life, you don’t get to just drink four shakes a day and not make any decisions.  In life, sometimes you have to look at both sides to find a solution.  We, as a society and as educators, HAVE to teach kids to continue to do this.

I think about recently when Marco Rubio came out and said that he didn’t think that women with the Zika virus should be allowed to have abortions.  Abortion seems so easy on the surface.  “Don’t kill babies.”  It’s about as black and white as it gets, isn’t it?  Everyone believes in protecting innocent life…  But does Marco Rubio REALLY understand what he’s saying here?  He is telling a woman that she has to carry a child for nine months who she knows will have a life time ahead of physical and mental disabilities. He is telling this mom that she has to change her entire life because she had the misfortune of being bitten by a mosquito.

Sure… she still has a “choice.”  She now has the choice to give her baby up…  because there are people just LINING up to take care of disabled children, right?  And that’s such an easy choice anyway, right?  To carry a baby for nine months and then give your baby away?  No expenses involved either, right?  Taking care of mentally and physically deficient children is no problem, right?  And Marco Rubio has been through all this himself?

It’s complicated.

Don’t lie to yourself.  It’s complicated. Even if it’s not complicated for YOU, are you in that situation?  Do you know ALL the factors involved?

The black and white answer is so much easier, right?  It’s so much easier to cling to that.  “Don’t kill babies.”

Nothing is that simple.

Alice Linahan claims that critical thinking is used to force students thinking collaboratively to consensus.

The truth is far from that.  The idea is to get them thinking so that they can see all the facets of that diamond… so that they can see all possible scenarios …so that they’re not stuck in the world of black and white at all times.

In fact, if they DID reach consensus, I’d be failing as an educator.

And it’s interesting that she sees it as a threat to religion.  Because, I’ll be honest with you here, critical thinking WAS what caused me to decide that religion doesn’t make any sense TO ME… HOWEVER, I have a myriad of students who have walked out of my classroom MORE affirmed in their religion, MORE dedicated to Jesus and the Bible.  Through their critical thinking they found it imperative to go on mission trips and to enter the clergy and to spread compassion and love to the world.

I never once tried to deter them from any of this.  I only encouraged them to think about it.

Black and white is so very easy:  The sky is blue.  Columbus discovered America.  Pluto is the ninth planet.  It’s so easy to memorize a fact and move on…It’s so easy to drink four shakes a day and not think about food at all.

…but it’s almost never the right thing to do.

…or maybe it is.  You think about that critically and let me know.

If you’re gay, you shouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton.

In 2004, she was against gay marriage.

So.. you shouldn’t vote for her because she’s a flip flopper.  She can’t make up her mind.  If she doesn’t say the same thing forever, it makes her disloyal.  She’ll change her mind over and over again.

If you’re pro-life, you can’t vote for Donald Trump.

In 1999, he declared himself to be “very pro-choice.”

So, clearly.  He must be lying now.  After all, he even held a fund raiser supporting a pro-choice group, so that’s the REAL truth… the thing he said first is how it is… and how it has to be forever.

The earth is the center of the universe.  It is also flat.  The sun rotates around it. And I’m going to grow up to be a ballerina.

All of these things were strongly held beliefs at one point in time.  Know what happened?  Situations changed, we were given more information, we garnered new understanding, and we CHANGED OUR MINDS.

Then, somewhere along the way this became a character flaw… especially in politics.  Unless you dig your heels in and feel the same way for your ENTIRE life no matter what circumstances present themselves, the media tells us that we must see people as disingenuous.

We are to see opinions that change with the times or with new information as weak and suspect.

It is my wish that we see how dangerous this line of thinking is.

This is a direct attack on critical thinking.  With this reasoning, the idea is that once you arrive at a decision you’re never supposed to question it again.  You’re supposed to stop thinking, say “I’m right,” and have that be the end of it.  In essence, it’s a brainwashing of yourself.

I understand the appeal of this.  “Whew, okay…  so we have nine planets, seven continents, Christianity is the only real religion, the day is 24 hours long, and Texas is the best state.”  There’s nothing to really worry about with those thoughts.  Everything is done.  Everything is a fact.  There is no room for argument and no need to listen to other opinions because everything is a done deal.

Confirmation bias is a very real thing, and I don’t know ANYONE who is above it.  Think about something you REALLY believe in…  Trump or Hillary, which restroom transgender people should use, gun rights, rape culture, BLM, hunting, Chevy or Ford…  get it in your mind…that thing that is really important to you…  Do you already feel your defenses boiling up inside you?  Are you already wanting to support your opinion? Which articles do you want to read more?  Do you want to read the ones that go AGAINST your opinion or the ones that support?  When you are reading those that go AGAINST your opinion, are you looking for ways to change your mind?… or… and be honest with yourself… are you looking for flaws in the opposing argument?  Can you really read with an open mind?

So, to me…  that flip flopping…  I think it might be a good thing.  I think the changing of a belief that was previously strongly held is a very painful process.  I think when people change their minds so completely, that change comes after a lot of new information.  Change comes after introspection and consideration. Change comes after learning from mistakes.

But… then again, if you give me more information, I might just change my mind on that, too.

I don’t think the problem is with media trying to manipulate you.  I think the problem comes when you don’t recognize that is happening all the time, every single day of your life, in every aspect.

I was having a conversation with my husband a couple of months ago.  I wanted him to go to a movie with me, but I knew he wouldn’t want to go.

I stopped mid conversation and was trying to think of the best way to get him to go.

He looked at me suspiciously and said, “What were you saying?”

I said, “I’m trying to think of how to ask this so that I can get the response I want.”

He got angry and said, “Well, now I’m DEFINITELY going to say ‘no.'”

I said, “Why?”

He said, “Because you’re trying to trick me.”

I said, “Trick you?  Absolutely not.  I’m not trying to trick anyone.  I’m just trying to cushion my argument in a way that would ultimately have you choosing my side.  I’m thinking of the right words.  I’m thinking of the things that would appeal to you so that you’ll agree with me. ”

He still didn’t like it… but he DID like the movie…

I think that’s the problem a lot of people run into.  They feel “duped” and like they’re being played… but that’s not really it.  It’s more that people realize who their audience is and they’re giving them what they want.

What kind of books do you like to read?  What kind of movies do you like?

Authors and filmmakers KNOW what you want, so they write and film so that what YOU want will be there.  They’re not “manipulating” you; they’re playing to what you want so that you’ll go see their movie.  I’ll NEVER be a fantasy/sci-fi fan.  I’m bored five minutes into Willow and The Dark Castle.  I don’t care what their quest is.  I don’t want to talk about all of the languages in Lord of the Rings.  I still don’t know the difference between an elf and a hobbit.  But Lord of the Rings doesn’t care… because they weren’t trying to sell to me.  The Conjuring was… and I’m all about seeing that…

The same thought occurred to me about Donald Trump’s speech at the RNC.  I thought it was rambling, ranting, yelling, angry… without vision… full of hyperbole.  I forced myself to keep listening… but that speech wasn’t for me.  That speech was for the hyped up crowd at the RNC.  Twenty three minutes of applause or something like that?  He was giving them EXACTLY what they wanted to hear.

I teach my students, if you want someone to listen to your words, you have to consider what would motivate the people to whom you’re talking.  You establish your ethos (expertise) as a speaker.  Then you use logos (logic) and pathos (emotion) to help the reader/watcher/listener see your position.  If you lack the ability to see the reasoning of other people, you’ll never be able to convince anyone of anything new.  You’ll only be able to solidify the thoughts of people who already agree with you.

Confirmation bias is something that is very difficult to fight against.  It’s why people on the far right prefer Fox and people on the far left prefer MSNBC.  Those journalists know exactly what to say to confirm what you already believe.  Make no mistake, they are for profit businesses… and they don’t want you to turn from them because they say something you don’t want to hear.  It’s their goal to make you watch.

So my point is, don’t get angry when you realize someone is manipulating you…  listen for the facts beyond the manipulation.  Don’t just become the puppet.  Remember what matters to you and what you want…

…and maybe the person who is trying to “manipulate” you can introduce you to a point of view you never considered…. and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Every time I heard someone say “We need to become a Christian nation again,” I would balk.

My first thought is ALWAYS the following:  We were NEVER meant to be a Christian nation.  We were meant to be a nation where people could practice any religion that suited them or none at all.  The Declaration of Independence only mentions God in reference to the idea that we were created somewhere… but never as an idea of worship.   Regardless, The Declaration is really just an airing of grievances and not anything that sets up our government.

The Constitution mentions God only once, in the ratification clause, by saying “in the year of our lord.”  It never once talks about religion other then to say we have religious freedom and should be separate from the state. And people who try to say otherwise are just twisting facts.

“In God We Trust” did not become a motto until 1956.  God added to the pledge in 1954.  Both of these things were a reaction to Communism and what separated our majority Christian nation from the Godless Soviet Union.

So I rail against the idea and gnash my teeth and fight and scream at the top of my lungs about how we are not a theocracy… not a Christian nation…

…but now I think I get what Christians are saying… or at least part of it… and maybe they just need to package it to make it a little more palatable to people who actually AGREE with them (like me), but don’t have to accept all those tenets to admit that we’re looking for the same result.

My epiphany occurred last night as I was watching The Big Short  The movie was good, educational, and definitely had a motive.  It explained sub prime mortgages and the housing bubble to me in a way that I had never really understood before.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s on Netflix… go for it.

But, even more so, what it explained to me was how willing man is to forsake his fellow man in order to get a bigger yacht.  It explained to me how willing people are to live beyond their means.  It explained how all anyone cared about was himself.  I remember thinking the same thing after watching Wall Street decades ago.  Both movies left me feeling somewhat nauseous and dirty.

How could people KNOWINGLY take everything another person has and profit from another person’s misery with no conscience at all?  How can people who already have enough keep wanting more knowing they are taking it from the people who have nothing?

Well, because we’re not a Christian nation, that’s how.

That’s where the packaging gets murky for me, though.  That’s where I think we non-Christians need to let our staunch beliefs in enlightenment go– because if we actually believe that we want the same thing from our fellow Americans and from our government, who cares what label the religious people want to put on it?

I’m in. Let’s be a Christian nation.

We need to treat each other right.

You hear about those companies in the 50s where they were family.  People got their Christmas bonuses and they stayed with a company for 40 years.  The company gave them stock options, and they took care of them without any law saying they had to.  They rewarded hard work and treated one another like Christians.

The workers believed in the honor and integrity of a hard day’s work.  They were proud of their company and their country and had a sense of community.  The boss came over for dinner, and you had respect for one another.

You didn’t try to hide your evil with loopholes and bailouts and accounts in the Cayman Islands so no one could get their hands on your money (or at least that’s what we like to picture).

See, the thing is if we’re a Christian nation, we don’t need to worry about a corrupt government because they would do the right things because that’s what Christianity is all about.  They would do unto others.  And there would be no need for Black Lives Matter because we’re all the same in the eyes of God and so on and so forth…

Now I know my non Christian friends are getting all itchy right about now, saying “That’s fine if that’s what Christians actually did… but when they start using the Bible to do A, B, and C…”  I get it, non -Christians, I am thinking that as I’m typing…  I hear you .  There are some things–pro-life, LGBTQ legislation–that will never jive with us…  but I’m just trying to say that I understand part of the Christian message.

I’m thinking what I believe they mean when they say they want to be a Christian nation is they want us to have morals.  They want us to do the right things.  They want us to be hardworking individuals who treat each other as we want to be treated.

In Christianity, part of the reason you do this is because you have a belief that if you sacrifice here, you will be rewarded later.  They fervently want other people to understand that’s what we’re supposed to do… and they promise that if you do there is reward. (Yes  there’s more to it.  I know.  I understand.  Accept Christ died for your sins, etc. etc.)

Now for some people (this is true for me and it’s true for a lot of Christians as well) the promise of reward is not what causes us to do the right thing.  Some people do the right thing without expecting anything in return just because we do.  It’s the right thing to do, so you do it.

I’ve come to realize that’s what people are talking about when they say they want a Christian nation.  They want people to do the right things.  When they talk about evil that’s walking the earth, they are talking about people who DON’T.  The people who say “Well, I got mine” and move on.  Those are the people who they are saying are a problem.

I think if we ALL agree that people who think only about themselves are the problem, and we’re all on the same page, then what does it matter what we call it?  Let’s just do the right thing.

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…” so if it’s caring about our fellow humans that we’re looking for…  if it’s having morals and a conscience, and we want to go ahead and call that Christianity, I say, “Why not?”  It’s only divisive if we choose to make it divisive.

Can I get an amen?  And an amen again?

God bless America.

I remember my rather gritty grandfather growling “Pictures don’t lie” at us after purposely catching us at our worst possible moments.  He LOVED to get us making a horrible face, a picture from behind, a mouth full of food…and then when we’d complain when he showed it to others, he’d growl his favorite personal maxim, “Oh, my achin’ crotch!   Pictures don’t lie.”

Maybe the PICTURE doesn’t, but…

I had a Gifted and Talented update a few years back, and one of the activities involved the mural above:  Picasso’s Guernica.

Part of what we were supposed to do was look for what images we saw.  Then, we had to explain what each image meant… how it was symbolic…  why Picasso chose what he did.

In a room full of about sixty people, there were at least 40 different answers.  We discussed, we talked, some argued that others were wrong about what they saw.  Some defended.  I found it interesting.

At the time, I didn’t find it quite as dangerous as I do now.

It’s ironic that I’m writing this blog.  In a world of Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat so many stop at the picture anyway.  People read the headline, decide they’ve seen all they need to see… and move on.

This struck me yesterday when I saw a picture that someone posted from the Dallas police memorial.  It was a picture posted by Fox Business of President George W. Bush, Michelle Obama, and President Barack Obama.  All three standing with their right hand on the left side of their body, apparently looking the same direction.

Beneath the comment, a former student posted “Look the O’s don’t even have their hands on their hearts.”  I looked closer.  It appeared to me that they did…

Then, I clicked to enlarge the picture which took me to the Fox Business page… and all of the comments that went with it.  I scrolled up and down the side.  Every comment analyzed each aspect of the picture.  “I’m so tired of Michelle looking bored.  Worst first lady ever!” “Look at that look on his face!   George W. Bush was a real American.  Look at Obummer!   If you want to go to sleep, go home!”

Again, I found myself thinking “I don’t see that…”  But, wow!   These people were sure filled with more vitriol than I could stomach for very long.  HUNDREDS of comments about how they LOOKED and all of the conclusions that could be drawn.

I think back to the infamous coffee mug salute of 2014 and how many were calling for impeachment at that moment.

(semi interesting side note.  I did not vote for Obama in 2008 or 2012 and have never considered myself an Obama supporter.  However, the intense hatred that so many have over insignificant things lands me in the position of supporting him over and over again… may be worth thinking about it before hatred spewing… but I digress.)

I am concerned about how much feeling is created by looking at a picture, seeing a sound bite, and deciding “that’s how I feel.”  Then our pitchfork society joins the crowd with the anger and the torches and attacks… while never really knowing that SPLIT second of still time probably didn’t deserve that much judgement and leaving people entirely uninformed.

I think of those Mark Dice YouTube videos where he goes on the street and asks people what they think of current campaigns.  In this particular one he is convincing Hillary Clinton supporters that Clinton supports Sharia Law.  We have so many people who don’t take the time to read. I see this every time I post a blog post…  100 people will click “Like” on a picture, but only 10 will read the blog.

I’m worried we live in a society where people make judgements based on pictures and wait for someone to tell them what they should be thinking.

As a society we have begun to zoom in on Jennifer Aniston’s tummy in every single picture to decide whether or not she is pregnant.  We have decided that she has been longing to have a baby for years and we’re oh so happy for her only to have her lambast all of us for scrutinizing her.

It’s a little nuts of us, isn’t it?

So, yes… Grandpa… you may be right.  You captured that nanosecond of time.  That picture is real…

What about when they DO lie:

Barack Obama… black panther 1998, right?

or maybe not… Maybe someone with Photoshop knew how to use a picture and changed it so that they could make a point…

And have you noticed that if you talk to someone and say, “I’m sorry, but that picture is a fake” they generally have one of two responses.  1.  They take it down and never say another word about it.  2.  They say “Yes, that one is fake.  But you know it’s not about the picture.  It is depicting something that is true.”

Huh?

That’s your perception, right?

Is the dress white and gold or blue and black?.

Is the soul rising from the man’s body? or is it a trick of light?

Is an image truly worth 1,000 words or are we better off with words than with the image?

I learn far from my students than I could ever teach them.

Today, several of my white students posted comments about how we need to confront our own racism if things are ever going to get any better.

Several of my black students posted comments about their concerns of being “lumped” in with other groups based just on skin color.

It makes me so sad that even has to be a thought in their minds.  That was something that should have been over with forty years ago.  After all, look at how far we’ve come.  We can say “We have a black President.”

But I wonder if things have just changed on the surface.

There’s a song from Avenue Q, the musical  “Everybody’s a Little Racist.”  It’s Horatian satire… gentle, teasing… we laugh and say “Yes, that’s true.”

But does it lead to bigger things?

When I’m introducing literature with racism issues as central themes, I often start with a personal anecdote:

I grew up in lily white America.  Chicago northern suburbs and  southern New Jersey are not known for their diversity.  When we moved to Houston, we moved to the Champions Forest area where Mormons were about as “ethnic” as we got.

I went to school at Baylor.  I had one black girl in my dorm.  One.

Then, I had my first teaching job in New Caney, Texas. New Caney… right there on the border of being in east Texas.  Klan members still paraded across the bridge just miles away in Splendora.  This was 1994 in America, and I’m not joking.

My first year there I had ONE black student.  He’s amazing.  He’s still a Facebook friend.  When he was in class, he handled an overtly racist student with such amazing grace.  After a minor dispute over who was sitting in whose desk, the white student called him the “n” word… and the amount of class my black student showed…

But that’s neither here nor there.  This is my story of MY racism.

I had almost entirely all white students, no Hispanic for the first year I taught.(I probably had about twenty “bad” white kids.)

By the second year, it was still almost all white, but I had two Hispanic boys.

These boys were both terrible!   They were loud.  They were rude.  They were disrespectful.  I got absolutely no help from their parents.  It was horrible. (I probably had about twenty bad white students, too)

The next year, I had even MORE Hispanic students… they were EXACTLY like the two awful boys from the year before.  I couldn’t control any of them.  There were about ten of them now.  Every one of them was horrible.  (I probably had about twenty bad white students, too)

The next year I saw the surnames on my rosters before my year even began.  All those Hispanic surnames.  It was going to be an AWFUL year.

Then, first period came around.  I had two Hispanic kids in that class.  Lo and behold, they were terrible.  (I probably had about five bad white students, too).

The next class period, however, something happened.  I had Hispanic students that period, too.  But they were really good kids.  “Hm,”  I thought to myself “I wonder why they’re so good?  That’s weird.  I’m not used to Hispanic kids behaving themselves.”

I would like to say that I realized the error of my ways right then… but I didn’t.  I didn’t realize it until the NEXT year when I had even more Hispanic students and was surprised by how many of them behaved as well as they did.

That’s the moment.  I remember stopping dead in my tracks.

Me… bleeding heart, champion for the underdog, activist, me….  I was a racist.

Kids are KIDS… not a race… Yes, there are good ones… and there are bad ones (or those who need a little help controlling themselves, anyway)… but it has NOTHING… and I mean NOTHING to do with skin color.

I’d also like to say I’m cured.  I’d especially like to say I’m cured because I now teach in a school where I’m the minority… and I don’t even notice their color in my classroom…

…and that’s partly true…

…but I do notice their color in the hallway.

I do notice their color when they’re in large groups… and they’re loud, and they’re rowdy, and they’re interacting in a way that’s foreign to me.  They dress differently than I would choose to dress.  They make me nervous and uncomfortable… even though they haven’t done a single thing to warrant that reaction from me.

When I was in Houston, I moved from an apartment because the area was going “downhill.”

You know what that really meant to me?

More black people moved into my apartment complex.

I’m embarrassed to type those words.  But, see, I was uncomfortable. The new residents stood outside a lot.  They were loud.  They would get quiet and stare at me as I walked past.  I no longer felt safe.

I had no reason except what I believed from watching the news… what I learned to fear.

I had no reason except my own racism.

I have had my car broken into… saw the guy do it.  He was white.  I have been assaulted.  He was white.  Yet, I was scared because there were people different than me living near me.

I feel extremely guilty for my own racism.  I truly try to combat it at all times.

I listen to my black students and my black friends when they explain to me what their lives are like based solely on the color of the skin with which they were born.  I remember that my racism is MY fault.  It is something I have chosen to learn… and am working to unlearn.

I think my students are right… that it is important for us to take a deep, true hard look at ourselves and what we think and what we feel.

I think maybe if we ALL did that would get us a little further than the last 40 years has.

Richard says I get far too worked up when I talk with people on social media.

Perhaps he is correct.

This morning a student from more than a decade ago posted about how people shouldn’t mock religion because his being religious doesn’t affect anyone.

I read it…  thought about it… and responded as follows:

Comments

Will I ever learn?

The following hour long conversation began.  I blocked out the name of the other person because I don’t even know who s/he is…  but I pasted the comments exactly.

Why so much anger?  Why couldn’t there just be a conversation?

COMMENTER:   Um how are out beliefs pushed on you thru government? If I’m not mistaken it’s y’all that have taken God and prayer outta school. This country was built by religious men and on the basis of God, that’s what made this country great. You don’t like it move to the Middle East and then talk about people imposing/forcing their beliefs on them.

Tamara Hanford Scholtz There are restrictions placed on body through religion. I am not allowed to buy a car on a Sunday (or Saturday depending on the dealer’s choices) , based on religion. I am not allowed to buy alcohol on a Sunday based on religion. I do pledge “under God” in school every day based on religion. I’m not sure why you’re angry with me. I didn’t say that I was angry with religion. I said that religious laws do affect me. I also don’t choose to move to the Middle East if I am unhappy with decisions made by my government. I love the government and The Constitution of the United States. That Constitution does not say “If you don’t like it leave.” It says, to paraphrase, If you don’t like it, you should go through the appropriate steps to amend.

And just to clarify… God and prayer are still VERY MUCH in schools. Prayer is said during graduations and at baccalaureate. There are organized religious groups in schools including FCA and STAND. It’s just that the schools themselves cannot be the organizers of those religious groups unless we chose to do one for ALL of the religions in our school, not just Christianity. Just last year, my students got together in a group before their AP test and held hands and prayed to God for His support. I thought it was lovely.

COMMENTER:

Again the constitution was based upon religion which this country was built off of. Sunday can’t buy a car and no alcohol till noon is not based on religion. There are car lots open on Sunday. My frustration is the fact that in schools kids have gotten in trouble over prayer. God had been taken out of everything and God is what this great nation was founded on. For you or anyone else to try and change that it means to change the nation. So go change someone else’s nation that doesn’t like it the way it was.

Tamara Hanford Scholtz But the Constitution doesn’t mention God except in a date. “The year of our lord.” God is not mentioned anywhere else. Please prove me wrong if I am.

And you are right… car lots have to choose a Saturday or Sunday based on religion. It’s called a Blue Law. No alcohol is also religion: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_laws_in_the_United_States. I am glad that you have learned to trust in the one true lord. I am glad that you have accepted Christ as your lord and savior. I am happy to know that you will spend your eternity in heaven. I simply said that religion does affect laws. That is a fact. Kent’s post said religion doesn’t affect me. I said it does. That’s all. I am sorry I have upset you. Go in peace.

COMMENTER: You must ride the short bus. Religion doesn’t say a car lot has to choose what day it’s open. It’s the owners decision. Just like chick fillet chooses to be closed on Sunday and McDonalds is open everyday.

Tamara Hanford Scholtz I’m sorry. You are incorrect. It is a “blue law” in Texas. Car lot owners have to choose Saturday or Sunday. http://www.autonews.com/…/the-battle-over-sunday-sales. They may not be open both days according to state law. This is called a “blue law” which is based on religion. I am not unintelligent. I appreciate your passion, but I’m sorry you chose to result to insult in a discussion.

COMMENTER:  You’ve missed the short bus again. You have options other states in this country have open lots on Sunday. Texas issue was with car lots and banks not being able to perform business since banks are closed on Sunday’s.

Meme in which he called me a “retard.”
get your friends back home safely please.

Tamara Hanford Scholtz So you are saying the articles that I posted above are incorrect? Thank you. Can you point me to a source which will show me that religion is not a factor. The two articles I posted say that it is. I realize that Wikipedia is not always a reliable source. I would be interested to see your source as well.

Tamara Hanford Scholtz This one indicates some of the reasoning may have changed: https://www.texastribune.org/…/why-cant-i-buy-a-car-or…/

Here’s the thing.  Wouldn’t it be great if that could have just been a learning experience for both of us?  Wouldn’t it be nice if I could have talked about how I felt and that individual could have explained how s/he felt without getting so emotional?

I’m sure I probably came off as smug.  I tried to remain kind, controlled, empathetic, understanding.  I mean, really… does it TRULY affect me that car dealerships have to choose a day of the week?  Not really… That’s not what my argument was about.

My REAL argument was that government shouldn’t try to tell people which restrooms they can use and I don’t like bakeries telling people they won’t make a cake for them…and s/he knew that was my real argument… deep down inside…and s/he vehemently disagrees with me.

For the commenter… I KNOW that his/her real argument was that we would go down a slippery slope if we lose our moral compass.  S/he truly believes that acceptance is bad for the country and for his/her family and is concerned about what will happen as the country becomes less and less religious as a whole.

So… I mean… I get it.  I understand where s/he was coming from.  I just disagree.

This is what I wonder… is it better to ignore or is it better to engage?  This morning, the conversation did nothing.  It helped nothing.  Should I continue to have those kind of conversations?  I don’t know.

When I met “Mister Perfect for me,”  (Let’s face it… Richard is really pretty much Mr. Perfect for MOST women.. but I digress…) I was 32 years old.

I had already decided I was NEVER going to get married… not like “woe is me… no one will love me…” but like “Heck, no…  I don’t want to get married.  I like my life.”

The average age for women getting married back in 2005 when I met Richard was 26.  (I GTS, so it must be true… and if you don’t know what GTS is… GTS.).  I was 34 when we got married… nearly a decade late.  My friends were already married… had babies… I had actually moved on to a new set a friends, most who were significantly older than I was because I didn’t want to be part of that mess.  (There were a few exceptions.)

And I was VERY independent…  not at all ready to be the kind of married couple my parents were (met at 8 and 12… married when they were 18 and 22); or my brother (met as a freshman in high school, married as a sophomore in college).  They had grown up together… had no life to speak of independent of one and other.  Their hobbies, their social lives, their friends… all the same.. all integrated.  No one went out with the girls or out with the boys… they went out with each other… only… This has worked for them for DECADES.  My parents have been married since 1970; my brother has been married since 1995.  This is how they liked it.  This is how they wanted life to be.  (Granted, my mom has branched out with triathlon stuff… my sister-in-law does plenty with her sisters… but again, digressing…)

I was different

I started college at 17… and moved away from home.  Then, except for summers and a brief uncomfortable month between roommates, I never moved back.  I prided myself on almost NEVER taking anything from my parents.  I worked HARD never to ask…  even when I didn’t have money for food, I’d pick up another job… do SOMETHING so that I could be on my own.  I was as independent as I could possibly be. And either through choice or circumstance I never had a boyfriend.  Ever.

It also meant that I never had to ask anyone permission for anything.  I never had to compromise and do what someone else would do.  I got to make decisions for me… just me.  And I really liked it that way.

Then along comes Mr. Wonderful.

We moved in together a little more than a year after we started dating, and I’m not going to lie.  It was HARD.  I did not enjoy the “where are you going?  What are you doing?  When are you going to be home?” kind of conversations.

I felt like I was asking for permission to do things… and I didn’t like that AT ALL.  I didn’t mind checking in with him.  It had been about six years since I had a roommate… but I did used to check in with them… so that was ok… BUT if we weren’t doing anything else… if we didn’t already have other plans, the thought that he could tell me that I couldn’t do something was completely foreign to me.  When he would question me about choices I made with MY money…  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

I think the tipping point was when he told me that I COULDN’T go out of town alone with a mutual straight, male friend of ours who was single.  At the time, I was 38 years old.  We had been married for four years… and he wanted to tell me that I COULDN’T do something?  I was furious.  I gave him all the logic:  If I wanted to cheat, I’d cheat right here.  I don’t have to go out of town to do it.  There is no reason I shouldn’t go.  I have the time. I have the money, and I want to.  You do not have the right to tell me what I can and cannot do.

In the end, I didn’t go out of respect for him, but I continued to bring it up over the next several years… not in a hostile argumentative way, in a logical way.

The thing with getting married later was that I didn’t want to give up any of myself.  I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too.. .and didn’t see why I couldn’t.  I had been on my own for half of my life.  I was ready to be on my own for the rest of it. I was already my own person… and I didn’t need to be someone new.

Selfish?  Perhaps.  But MOST of the time we were very happy.  We did most things together.  We enjoyed eachother’s company…  but I really wanted to be Tamara and Richard…  but also be able to be Tamara OR Richard.

You know what?  It has happened…

Almost ten years into our relationship, we have TRULY figured it out.

Last year I was going to go out of town with a married male friend, just the two of us, but my plans got cancelled.  Richard asked, “What happened?”

I said, “Oh, his wife had a problem with his sharing a hotel room with another woman.”

Richard looked at me, perplexed.  “Why would she have a problem with that?”

Oh, how I love that man!

So I’ve been writing this one in my head for years… on and off… and I’ve shared parts of it.  It’s always been there. Today, I needed to say it.

This is one that if you bring it up to me in person, I’ll slough it off.  It’s so personal that I don’t know that I can discuss it face to face–ever… but every word of it is true.

I’m writing it not REALLY to help others be more understanding, although some of you will.  I’m not writing it as an excuse, although it somewhat is.  Instead, I’m writing it because I KNOW I’m not alone, and I think that others may feel comfort when they know that, too.

I’ll start with we all have our quirks.  People talk about their hidden ailments all the time.  The fatigue, anxiety, depression…  the fibromyalgia, chronic pain,  crohn’s…  all things that people walk around masking every single day.

I can’t mask mine… at all… it’s there for everyone to judge whenever they feel like it.  It is what it is.

And this is what it means to me:

• It means being afraid to eat in public because people already find me disgusting, and they are going to judge the choices that I make when they can see me.
• It’s always asking for a table at a restaurant because I’m afraid I won’t fit in a booth.
• It’s looking at chairs ANYWHERE with anxiety because I’m not sure whether or not they will be right for my size.
• It’s still being hungry but afraid to take the last bite because I know that the plate I ordered was more than what most people would usually eat.
• It’s being worried about purchasing plane tickets because I’m not sure if I need the second seat and the incredible fear of making some other poor unsuspecting passenger uncomfortable because of what I did to my own body.
• It’s wanting to find something to wear that doesn’t draw attention to me in any way shape or form but not having that option because there is no larger size even at the largest size clothing store.
• It’s knowing that this is all my fault and hating myself for it.
• It is constantly trying to make it better and failing over and over and over again.
• It is knowing everything there is to know about nutrition and continuing to disappoint yourself and everyone who cares about you because you simply won’t do what you know it’s right.
• It’s actually LOVING to exercise but knowing that no amount of exercise is enough.
• It’s when you look to buy anything (an inflatable bed, a camping chair) that your first concern is “how much weight will this hold?”
• It’s hating to go to the doctor, not because the doctor is harsh, but because you’re just so embarrassed about what you did to yourself that the tears stream down your cheeks the entire time you’re there.
• It’s being embarrassed to have ANY health problems of any kind because you know that your diet is probably what caused all of them.
• It’s having to look at meme after meme and person after person posting videos and jokes on the Internet all about what a joke you are.
• It’s being afraid that your friends don’t want to be seen with you in public because you embarrass them.
• It’s KNOWING that people are staring at you at the pool or beach or not going even though you want to because you don’t want to be a joke.
• It’s being afraid to attend work events with your husband because you don’t look like the other wives and you don’t want to embarrass him.
• It’s hearing kind-hearted advice from close friends and perfect strangers alike about how they “believe in you” and are “proud of you” and giving you encouragement that makes you feel angry and hostile because, even when it’s not, it feels condescending.
• It’s having to listen to people give you advice about what you SHOULD do… and how they can help you…  and even when it’s because they truly care about you, wishing they’d shut up and not talk about it.
• It’s not wanting to be hugged because people can’t get their arms around you and because you know what they feel.
• It’s having your feet fall asleep every time you sit on the floor.
• It’s not being able to keep your legs together because your stomach pushes your thighs apart.
• It’s being afraid your husband is going to fall out of love with you because this is not what you looked like when you married him.
• It’s being obsessed with making sure you clean every single part of your body because the thought of smelling bad is mortifying.
• It’s trying to sit extremely still on hot days because you sweat more than anyone else.
• It’s seeing yourself in a picture, on a day you THOUGHT you looked pretty good, and seeing what everyone else actually saw.
• It’s knowing even the ACCESSORIES won’t fit… your fingers, your wrists, your neck… all too big for regular jewelry.  Your feet are too wide for the shoes… even purses need to be adjusted.
• Everything feels too small in your hands.  Champagne glasses look ridiculous.
• It’s the fear of not being able to fit into places–through turnstiles, in movie seats, in amusement park rides.
• It’s guilt EVERY. SINGLE. TIME you put even one bite of food into your mouth, unless it’s a vegetable.
• It’s being afraid to sit on furniture in public because you might break it .
• It’s the fear that your family and friends and in laws look at you with a mixture of pity and shame every time they haven’t seen you in awhile and you’re even fatter than the last time.
• It’s the feeling that you need to make jokes about yourself to make other people comfortable.
• It’s never wanting to go anywhere for the fear of being judged

…and it’s knowing that you SHOULD be able to fix it.  That it’s YOUR fault… that you can only blame yourself… and all of these things are so preventable.  You don’t have to live like this… yet you keep doing it day after day after day after day…  even though you know EXACTLY how to fix it…

…but part of you doesn’t want to give it up… this comfort of food…  the taste… the feeling…  You hate it more than anything… but you don’t want to stop…  but you know how miserable it is NOT to be able to eat the four pieces of pizza (not just SOME of the time… ALL of the time).  You really WANT the burger and the extra large fries.  Yes, every day.  And you know this is wrong and feel guilty about it.

and no matter your other talents, other qualities, you KNOW this is a big one that people notice about you…

..and no one notices it about you more than yourself.

…and THAT is what it’s like to be really, really fat.