I’ve been threatening to write a book about this forever…  we’ll call this blog another kernel in my writer’s notebook.

I always preface any comments I make about parenting by clarifying that I have no children.  I understand that this is an IMPORTANT clarification.  Everything changes with perspective.  I cannot REALLY put myself in the head of another human being, so I simply don’t get it…

…but to me…  (and to Freud) there is perhaps no more interesting relationship than that between a mother and her son.

There are all different levels of the “son worshipper”  but all have pretty similar qualities.

I’m gonna start by throwing my own son worshipper mom under the bus…  🙂  Now, my brother is/was basically a good kid… no more rebellion than the average child, in fact, probably less…  BUT definitely boy.

So he tried cigarettes and alcohol at a young age… which my mom blamed on me….

He crawled out the window and jumped off the roof for fun…  for which my mom blamed me…

During my entire freshman year of high school I was grounded every night from the phone and from television during the week for bad grades.  I’m not exaggerating.  I was grounded the ENTIRE year Monday-Thursday 6PM until 6 AM…  In my room… no phone, no TV… Who knows what I did… I know it didn’t help my grades until I decided to do better (but that’s a different story.)

During my BROTHER’S freshman year…. he was in a high school musical.  He failed a class and couldn’t perform because of “no pass no play” regulations.  My mother’s response?:  She called the school.  She blamed the teacher for not keeping her informed that her son was failing.  Mom wanted to see what she could do to take it to the next level.  It was not fair that he failed.  Mom didn’t care that my brother hadn’t done any of his homework.  The teacher should have called.  She should have informed.

Ummmmmmm….  what????  To this DAY my mom still maintains that the teacher was in the wrong.

This was what started my interest with son worship… since then, I watched my mom continue to have similar reactions when my brother got himself into predicaments.  None of them were “serious,”  but somehow they were always someone ELSE’s fault (according to my mom 🙂  his wife had more sense than that. )

Now, as a teacher… it is the STRANGEST phenomenon.  More times than not moms will hang their girls out to dry.  They expect their daughters to handle their own issues (there are exceptions… but that’s what makes the rules, right???)

….but those precious baby boys…  OH.  MY.  GOODNESS!!!!

I can’t tell you how often I hand back a bad grade to a male student or refuse to accept a late paper and I am contacted by mom within the hour telling me how I should have handled the situation.

A few years ago I had a freshman boy who just was a handful.  He did almost NONE of his work.  I liked him a lot… but each time I’d put a zero in…  mom would call me within minutes.  There was always an excuse… always an explanation.  As the year went on she got more and more hostile with me.  She was sure I was out to get her son.  She took the whole situation very personally.  Eventually, her husband contacted me.  He told me that he was well aware of his son’s lack of effort.  He was calling me to see if there was a way that I could remove her from getting notifications about her son’s grades.  I told the dad that was something that may have to be handled in a family court situation… that I couldn’t keep information about a student from one parent in a divorce without a court order.  The dad responded, “Oh, we’re not divorced.  She just get’s crazy when it comes to Z–.  If you have a problem with him, you can let me know. I’ll handle it.”

I did as he requested.  I have since found out that Z is in college and doing just fine…

This past week a mom contacted me to talk to me about a book her son was supposed to get before Thanksgiving.  I had informed the class that I had copies they could borrow; they just needed to tell me.  As of this week, he still hadn’t told me he didn’t have a book.  His mom called me and begged for me to give him a second chance to take his quizzes because she didn’t know he didn’t have a book.  C’mon, Mom… he’s 17.  She proceeded to tell me that they usually read books together and discuss.  She wanted to know if I had a copy for her.  Again, he’s 17… and in an AP class.  We chatted for awhile.  I told her, as I told you, that I’m not a parent… but really, I have no reason to be having this conversation with her.  If her son wants to borrow a book, he’s going to have to talk to me… and he’s going to have to explain why he waited until we’re two weeks into it.  She really opened up to me and talked to me about the frustration she felt.  She talked to me about how she wanted him to be an independent man and to be successful in life.  I responded, (kindly), “I’m not sure that calling his junior AP English teacher and asking her to give him a break because he didn’t take care of his business is the best way to do that.”  She (kindly) agreed.

But it’s so interesting.  I get it, you know?  I see that boys are nothing more than big old puppies who are just a few years away from being the “head of household.”  They go away to college and they spend all their money on beer and figure that they don’t really NEED electricity…  When the lights go out, they’ll deal with it when they get around to it.  Late fees Schmate fees… that’s just another part of the bill….  And I get it that moms don’t WANT their boys to live their lives that way…

It’s such a weird dichotomy to me…  they are so hard on their boys and expect so much from them….  yet they lose their ever loving minds when they feel that someone has “wronged” them in some way… and mama lion comes out sooooooo much more with their baby boys than it does with their girls…

…maybe it’s because they are women themselves and expect their daughters to grow up to be strong and take care of themselves…

…but c’mon moms… you know your boys… your sweaty, smelly boys… who don’t do what you’ve asked them to until you’ve told them a million times and threatened them with bodily harm… who don’t butt heads with you but also don’t communicate with you at all.  They lie to you just to appease you… you have no idea what’s going on with them because they LIKE it that way…

Mama… your baby boy is playing you….  He is a wonderful, terrific, fantastic person.  His teacher who put a big fat F on his paper likes him plenty, too…

I know you want that mature, man of the house son….  Let him be that… let him fight his own battles…  let him fall down.

Let him be as tough as you let your daughter be…