So I’ve been writing this one in my head for years… on and off… and I’ve shared parts of it.  It’s always been there. Today, I needed to say it.

This is one that if you bring it up to me in person, I’ll slough it off.  It’s so personal that I don’t know that I can discuss it face to face–ever… but every word of it is true.

I’m writing it not REALLY to help others be more understanding, although some of you will.  I’m not writing it as an excuse, although it somewhat is.  Instead, I’m writing it because I KNOW I’m not alone, and I think that others may feel comfort when they know that, too.

I’ll start with we all have our quirks.  People talk about their hidden ailments all the time.  The fatigue, anxiety, depression…  the fibromyalgia, chronic pain,  crohn’s…  all things that people walk around masking every single day.

I can’t mask mine… at all… it’s there for everyone to judge whenever they feel like it.  It is what it is.

And this is what it means to me:

• It means being afraid to eat in public because people already find me disgusting, and they are going to judge the choices that I make when they can see me.
• It’s always asking for a table at a restaurant because I’m afraid I won’t fit in a booth.
• It’s looking at chairs ANYWHERE with anxiety because I’m not sure whether or not they will be right for my size.
• It’s still being hungry but afraid to take the last bite because I know that the plate I ordered was more than what most people would usually eat.
• It’s being worried about purchasing plane tickets because I’m not sure if I need the second seat and the incredible fear of making some other poor unsuspecting passenger uncomfortable because of what I did to my own body.
• It’s wanting to find something to wear that doesn’t draw attention to me in any way shape or form but not having that option because there is no larger size even at the largest size clothing store.
• It’s knowing that this is all my fault and hating myself for it.
• It is constantly trying to make it better and failing over and over and over again.
• It is knowing everything there is to know about nutrition and continuing to disappoint yourself and everyone who cares about you because you simply won’t do what you know it’s right.
• It’s actually LOVING to exercise but knowing that no amount of exercise is enough.
• It’s when you look to buy anything (an inflatable bed, a camping chair) that your first concern is “how much weight will this hold?”
• It’s hating to go to the doctor, not because the doctor is harsh, but because you’re just so embarrassed about what you did to yourself that the tears stream down your cheeks the entire time you’re there.
• It’s being embarrassed to have ANY health problems of any kind because you know that your diet is probably what caused all of them.
• It’s having to look at meme after meme and person after person posting videos and jokes on the Internet all about what a joke you are.
• It’s being afraid that your friends don’t want to be seen with you in public because you embarrass them.
• It’s KNOWING that people are staring at you at the pool or beach or not going even though you want to because you don’t want to be a joke.
• It’s being afraid to attend work events with your husband because you don’t look like the other wives and you don’t want to embarrass him.
• It’s hearing kind-hearted advice from close friends and perfect strangers alike about how they “believe in you” and are “proud of you” and giving you encouragement that makes you feel angry and hostile because, even when it’s not, it feels condescending.
• It’s having to listen to people give you advice about what you SHOULD do… and how they can help you…  and even when it’s because they truly care about you, wishing they’d shut up and not talk about it.
• It’s not wanting to be hugged because people can’t get their arms around you and because you know what they feel.
• It’s having your feet fall asleep every time you sit on the floor.
• It’s not being able to keep your legs together because your stomach pushes your thighs apart.
• It’s being afraid your husband is going to fall out of love with you because this is not what you looked like when you married him.
• It’s being obsessed with making sure you clean every single part of your body because the thought of smelling bad is mortifying.
• It’s trying to sit extremely still on hot days because you sweat more than anyone else.
• It’s seeing yourself in a picture, on a day you THOUGHT you looked pretty good, and seeing what everyone else actually saw.
• It’s knowing even the ACCESSORIES won’t fit… your fingers, your wrists, your neck… all too big for regular jewelry.  Your feet are too wide for the shoes… even purses need to be adjusted.
• Everything feels too small in your hands.  Champagne glasses look ridiculous.
• It’s the fear of not being able to fit into places–through turnstiles, in movie seats, in amusement park rides.
• It’s guilt EVERY. SINGLE. TIME you put even one bite of food into your mouth, unless it’s a vegetable.
• It’s being afraid to sit on furniture in public because you might break it .
• It’s the fear that your family and friends and in laws look at you with a mixture of pity and shame every time they haven’t seen you in awhile and you’re even fatter than the last time.
• It’s the feeling that you need to make jokes about yourself to make other people comfortable.
• It’s never wanting to go anywhere for the fear of being judged

…and it’s knowing that you SHOULD be able to fix it.  That it’s YOUR fault… that you can only blame yourself… and all of these things are so preventable.  You don’t have to live like this… yet you keep doing it day after day after day after day…  even though you know EXACTLY how to fix it…

…but part of you doesn’t want to give it up… this comfort of food…  the taste… the feeling…  You hate it more than anything… but you don’t want to stop…  but you know how miserable it is NOT to be able to eat the four pieces of pizza (not just SOME of the time… ALL of the time).  You really WANT the burger and the extra large fries.  Yes, every day.  And you know this is wrong and feel guilty about it.

and no matter your other talents, other qualities, you KNOW this is a big one that people notice about you…

..and no one notices it about you more than yourself.

…and THAT is what it’s like to be really, really fat.